Because I am emo kid

Today was one of those days where I wake up feeling so good – just happy to be alive. I stretch and wiggle my toes and snuggle a little more under the blanket and bask in the sunlight streaming in through the trees. I look around: pretty cushions on my bed, pretty curtains, pretty pictures on the wall, pretty birdie decal on the glass window, pretty basket of teddies. My room is so pretty. It’s a great room to wake up in.

I hop out of bed, wash up and throw my clothes on. I’m wearing a stripey blue blouse today with my favourite grey slacks, and my signature wide hairband. The blue makes me happy. The stripes make me happy. I smile at myself in the mirror – it’s gonna be a great day.

(Note to self: I am soooooooo easily satisfied. Honestly. *shakes head* No wonder I’m so bloody happy so much of the time. Not that I'm complaining. Happy is good, as long as it's not mindless. Which I don't think I am. Most of the time anyway...)

Yeah so, happy day, right? I'm not even gonna let the stupid people on the train get to me today. I'll just hold my breath as much as I can, try to avoid getting other people's hair in my face, ignore the shoving, squishing and trampling, and pretend guys aren't staring at me again. (Ok lah, better than girls staring. I find it seriously creepy when girls stare at me. Do they think I'm pretty, do I have food on my face, are they les, what? There was this one girl who did that to me the other day on the train. No change in expression, just superintense focus, like she was trying to laserbeam her way into my head. I ignored her at first, but I could feel her staring even when I turned my back on her. I glanced at her a couple of times. Still staring. No embarrassment. Finally I just kinda glared at her. AND SHE STILL WOULDN'T STOP STARING. Majorly weird. Ugh.)

Anyway, I digress. So I stay determinedly happy throughout the day, listening to music and bopping along. Horrible weather outside (makes me miss my bed) but music always gets me through. I'm anticipating Cat Power in Jan and giving serious thought to Muse as well. Oh and Budak Pantai really soon! Wheeee! My poor dear wallet.

So, ok, music. Head bopping. Happy. It's almost 5.30 - time to go! Then my cellphone rings. Turns out to be a sweet Chinese girl who mispronounces my name.

Sweet Chinese girl: Harro... may I speak to ah... Miss Merani Sim?

Me: Yes?

SCG: Hi, I'm from French Bridal.

(Oh, damn.)

SCG: Can I confirm your wedding date?

(Double damn.)

Me: Ah... sorry, I can't.

SCG: Oh, you haven't confirmed your date yet? Maybe you can give me an estimate so you can come down and see our dresses first...

Me: No, I mean... I don't have a date. I'm not.

SCG: Oh maybe you just come down first lah.

Me: No, I mean I'm not. I'm NOT.

SCG: Huh?... Nevermind you don't need a date, just come first...

(Damn damn damn. She's really not getting this is she? Ok, I'm not exactly making it easy for her, but what the heck am I supposed to say? I'm in the office, which isn't exactly the most private place. And I don't need to advertise what happened. I can't very well say what I want to say, can I? Which is really, "I don't have a wedding date I'm not getting married after all screw the freaking package already".)

She finally gets it, at least I think she does, or she might have just given up on me. I hit 'disconnect' and what do you know, that's exactly how I feel. Disconnected. My hands are shaking. I thought I was over this. God knows, it's been long enough. Just when you think it's all behind you... well life sure is funny that way huh. Haha.

So much for my great day.

Most of the time, it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't think about it. It's just another story from my past. A whole other life. I don't need to fight it or bury it or forget it - it just is. And that's okay. But every now and then I get reminded, usually when I least expect it. And it's just so not funny when that happens. I'd just rather let the memories fade away. There isn't much worth saving.

Now I'm all angsty. So I'm emoting it out here. Writing is therapy, catharsis for me. So, here.

I had dinner at Starbucks yesterday. I ordered a vanilla latte. It tasted good. It made me think of you.

I almost dropped my cream cheese bagel. It made me smile. It made me think of you.

I walked past Ben & Jerry's. (That one twinged a bit.) It made me think of you.

I took the train home. Walked back through the light rain. I was cold. It made me think of you.

I listened to my songs all the way home. Barenaked Ladies. In the Car, The Old Apartment, When You Dream, Break Your Heart, Call and Answer. It made me think of you, and you, and you.

A hundred yous, a thousand us-es. A million yesterdays, hellos and goodbyes.

Just one today.

And what I make of it.