A little closer every day

Got to talking to my ex yesterday online. Just normal stuff, hi how are you, that kinda thing. And then out of the blue he gave me his blog address. And directed me to an old entry he wrote after we broke up years ago. *Sigh* Let's just say it wasn't the most upbeat.

He wrote about how we weren't even close anymore, and how he felt about that... and yeah a part of me always knew that pushing him away, whether I wanted to or not, was only going to hurt us both. Well, it wasn't an easy time, but that's just an excuse. In the end I'm glad we somehow stayed in touch and he didn't give up on me as a friend, even when I wasn't exactly encouraging. Shame on me. He was, and still is, one of the nicest guys I know, and I'm proud to count him now as a good friend.

He also wrote in his blog that he remembered being in church with me, worshipping God. For me, too, those memories stand out. The best part of our relationship was the spiritual aspect, and every time we worshipped together we just got closer.

I guess after we broke up I was always searching for that. Trying to find that connection again. With a guy, and with God. I spent too long searching, too long running.

It took me a long long time to run back into His arms.

Well, I'm glad I did. The journey's been a rough one, and I'm somewhat the worse for wear, but battle scars notwithstanding, I'm still hanging in there. I'm still tempted, of course. Each day brings new temptations, each day I face them and try not to succumb.

Some days I can come before Him and thankfully say, "I've done my best." (or have I really? I try anyway) and rejoice in all I've been blessed with, but the next day I could be ashamed to stand in His presence and look back on what has transpired in those 24 hours since. Dear Lord, give me the strength! I feel so weak sometimes.

I can but struggle. I'm only human, and human wisdom is hardly wisdom at all. I know I should spend more time listening to His voice. Oh Mel. Well... I am trying.

I think I've come pretty far from where I used to be. I can't say I'm perfect, but yeah all you can do is try, right? There are things I regret, things I wish I had the chance to redo or undo... but hindsight is always 20/20, and crying over spilt milk was never a profitable pastime for anyone. We all have our crosses to bear, and as much as they hurt me, I shall shoulder mine and soldier on. I know I'm not alone - I do have wonderful friends to see me through, as they always have, not least in my spiritual journey. Thank you Sam, Nick and most of all Lionel, for being there when I most needed you, whether I knew it or not.

I'm so thankful for my baby Lionel. With him, I've finally found that spiritual connection again. Every moment in His presence together is a gift. Closer to God, closer to him. Encouraging each other, helping and watching out for each other. I look forward to the day he stands beside me in church again. Not just at the altar (oh, but of course I'm looking forward to that!) but also simply worshipping Him together.

That's my ultimate dream.