Hello kitty

I feel like I'm unravelling. Peel off the layers, and what's left at the core? Will I like what I see? Will it be anything like how I imagine myself to be? I wonder. I'd like to believe that the way I see myself is pretty much the way I truly am, and the way other people see me. But I might be surprised. I probably will be, given my naivete (or obliviousness to everything else going on around me). Maybe I should take that image test thingy again, the one that shows you how you see yourself and how you are seen by others. I'm bored anyway, and I guess it'll help pass the time.

Not that I'm not crazy busy these days. But life's gotten so busy that I find myself in serious need of a holiday. Again. A long one. Like, for a year. Could be that my reaction to the break-up is mixed in there somewhere. Just need to get away and THINK. If life was simple and safe before, it's complicated and fraught with uncertainty now. I'm not sure I like it, or dislike it really. I generally hate uncertainty, but I'm still trying to psyche myself into seeing this as a great adventure. Being single is a pretty new experience. The last time I was single for an extended period of time - and then only by choice after a very traumatising relationship - was like, 7 years ago. I've been attached pretty much all of my dating life. This is so weird. Not having someone to care about that way, or at least not having the right to, if you get what I mean. My nurturing streak does NOT appreciate singlehood.

Sigh. I've been jumpy all day. Like a cat on steroids. Up and down, up and down. One minute I'm curled up into a warm, furry ball, contentedly purring away, next minute I'm hissing and spitting, claws out and teeth showing, ready to scratch your eyes out, and the next minute I'm a friendly little kitty again, arching my back and meowing for a stroke and a cuddle. I'm channelling cat. Might be 'cos I read Life of Pi yesterday - down to the last few pages, and it's an awesome story. I love Richard Parker. Except it gives me strange dreams. You wouldn't even believe the strange dreams I have.

Anyway... yeah I guess I'm gonna have to deal with things slowly. Another pet peeve. I hate doing things slowly. I prefer to do things now now now, make a decision and stick with it, just go with your gut and don't look back. I'm usually right, on the important things at least, or they work themselves out somehow. But well, maybe I should try something different this time. Courage, Mel. You can only try, or die trying.

I know it'll take time. And I know things will get better. Even if I can't see it now. So everyone's been telling me, and I'd love to believe them, except I still selfishly think that no one else understands what I'm going through. Selfish, because of course they do. The characters are different and maybe the dialogue, but the plot points are essentially the same. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy dumps girl. Or something to that effect. In the end, it hurts anyone just as much. Breaking up is never easy - or if it is, then it's a mercy killing anyway. This one... most certainly isn't. It hurts like hell, and will probably stay that way for a bit. So I'd better get used to the steroided-cat jumpiness, and work things out, with or without him.

What are the odds that before I'm done, I'm gonna do something really stupid? 'Cos I'm contemplating something now that might actually be outrageously dumb. Or maybe not. So many things to take into account. Am I ready to leave it all behind and start again?

We'll see.