What's your focus?

So much running through my head. Can't quite focus. Trying to put Lionel out of my mind. It's hard to act normally and pretend everything's ok, but I think if I let my guard down today I'll really break down right here in my cubicle. I'm feeling so vulnerable emotionally, yet incredibly self-destructive at the same time. I wonder why anger and hurt affect me this way. I never really want to lash out at anyone else, I just feel like hurting myself. Not just physically. I feel like I might do something really stupid, just because. Sigh. It's not a good place to be.

But I am trying to be mature about this. Self-destructing was the old Mel's way of handling things. Not this time. Though I'm still struggling. But I'm trying.

So I try to concentrate on work, on what's happening in the office today. I'm starting to get numb to this. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I don't have time for that right now. Can't wait for the run tonight. Just wanna run run run away and leave it all behind. Limbs pumping, blood pounding in my ears, mind focused on a point somewhere far ahead and every fibre straining to get me there. Yeah. I want a good run. Something so exhausting, I'll get home and fall asleep, and not stay up thinking of him again.