It won't be heaven without you

for Gracie
2nd March 2006


All Dogs Go to Heaven

You know it won't be heaven without you, baby girl
You know it'll be chill and lonesome
So I'll see you there in heaven, darling girl
When it's time for me to go home

I think you left a hole in my heart
I think I don't know where to even start
You left so suddenly today
Someplace far far away
I hope you find a good home above

In a place where there's no pain
Where you can see and hear and run again
Where the green grass sweetly grows
And gentle breezes blow
And you're surrounded by the ones you love

Can you hear your brother howling
And your sisters weep for you
You brought so much joy and laughter
Were you always laughing too?

You know it won't be heaven without you, baby girl
You know you always made me smile
Wish I had time to say goodbye, sweet girl
It'll only take a little while

Wish you were here close beside me
I wish you well and whole and free
I'd curl up with you
Fall asleep with you
How happy and peaceful we would be

You know it won't be heaven without you, baby girl
You know it won't be heaven without you

*******************************************************

It's been a rough day. It started out pretty much like any other workday, quick breakfast, hug Mom goodbye and off we go. Except today's Mom's birthday, so I wished her Happy Birthday before we left. First time I've seen anyone cry when receiving birthday wishes. Guess she already sorta saw it coming.

I didn't. Not really.

My little dog Gracie had a swelling on her jaw. It had been there for awhile and we were getting worried. The vet said it would probably go away on its own but it was taking forever so Mom thought she'd get a second opinion. So she brought Gracie to the vet this morning. I had just finished lunch at work when I got Mom's message: "Vet said growth cancer. Put Gracie down on my birthday."

I guess I was stunned. It was so completely unexpected and so sudden. I just sat there and cried. Wishing I'd said goodbye, wishing I'd hugged her or something. Wishing I'd spent more time with her and complained less about her messing on the floor all the time. I just stroked her a couple of times this morning when I left for work. I never thought for one second that she wouldn't be there when I got home.

That was a pretty rotten moment. I can't remember feeling that bad in a long time. Everything else just seems so petty and stupid now, every other little grouse or grievance really were just that - little. At least with any other 'trouble', I was pretty much in control. Even with the worst of them, there was always a choice I could still make. But this was completely out of my hands.Just like that, Gracie's gone.

I called Greg, I didn't know what else to do. (Sweetie, you were wonderful. You really came through for me.) He immediately said, can you take the day off, I'll come right away and pick you up. So I did. And then I just sat in his car and cried and talked and cried and laughed and talked. 'Cos you know, when I think about Gracie, there are all these amazing memories and I can't help but smile. She was always, always so adorable.

Like when we were younger, we had this maid we called Aunty Gina. When our parents went out, Aunty Gina would put on some music and we would all start dancing. That is, we kids would hop around a bit and Aunty Gina would grab Gracie by her front paws and dance with her. It was really funny. Gracie would be jumping and panting and her tail would wag and wag and wag.

Gracie was always happy. A real happy dog. She had the sweetest nature you could ever imagine, so quiet and docile. I remember when we first got her. My grandma's neighbour was giving away her dogs and my parents popped by to have a look. They've told this story so many times I almost feel like I was there with them! They said there were three dogs. Two were really yappy and jumped around them barking their heads off but there was one white dog who just stood quietly at the back and looked at them. Of course they got her. My first memory of her was when they were walking her across the field below my grandma's flat. I was looking over the balcony and I saw my parents with a little white dog. I just fell in love.

She was so smart. She'd always look both ways before she crossed the road. I remember one time we were just going out and a car was passing along the side road. Gracie was almost out on the road in front of our house so Lisa yelled, "Gracie, car!" You know what Gracie did? She just hunkered down, flattened her body against the road and shut her eyes. She was... one of a kind.

She used to have tons of energy. She's chase cats, birds, moles, lizards, anything that invaded our gardens. She used to make these mad dashes through the house, from the front yard all the way to the back and all the way to the front again. When she came to the stairs in the living room she'd leap right off them with her legs stretched out. Then she'd stop suddenly and stare at us with this gleam in her eye. She was so playful. I remember we'd play five-way tug-of-war with her, us kids, Aunty Gina and her. We just all grabbed a piece of a rag and pull. Happy days.

Of course Gracie hadn't displayed that much energy in a while (except at mealtimes. Then she was still a crazy thing.)... she pretty much slept most of the time these last couple of years.Well, she was pretty old. She was seventeen. A grand old lady. I guess that's a pretty good age for a dog. She couldn't see or hear or smell too well and she definitely had difficulty with stairs but I think she was still happy. She's had a long, full, happy life. I want to be happy for her. Even though I miss her terribly now.

Home feels empty without her somehow. She was so sweet, she'd come out and greet us when we came home, even though it took her so long to go from the house to the porch and back again while it took us only a few seconds. My poor sweetheart. She really was something.I really hope I see her again someday. Mom said, don't tell me Gracie doesn't have a spirit. Gracie's special. She is. It wouldn't be heaven without her, it just wouldn't be right.

My little baby girl, I love you so much. You will be remembered.