Even if you cannot hear my voice

Well, Lionel's exams are over. Talked to him this morning, asked him to take the next few days to think things over and call me on Saturday evening. I'm a little scared to talk to him again... I'm expecting the worst, I guess. But a part of me is still hoping. Well. I don't know if I should still be, honestly... it hurts to hope. It hurts to think I might never hold him again, never laugh with him, never have his scent on me. We might never take his sis out for ice cream together, never quietly gaze out from the top floor of a point block, arms around each other. I might never have his babies... never grow old with him. It hurts, all of it. So much.

Sigh.

I keep thinking I'm getting over him... I'm leaving it behind and he can't hurt me anymore. But then something will happen that reminds me of him, of us. A smell, a picture, a place, a song. Something that just evokes so many memories, and sends me spinning off into a hopeless void of aching. Like today. I was shopping at The Heeren, and a song started playing in the shop I was in. It was Snow Patrol's Run.

I'll sing it one last time for you
And then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

At first I couldn't help but smile and sing along - it's a great song, I love it so much - but it made me think of all the times I ever heard that song with Lionel. And the times he sang it for me. And the last time I heard it, when we were still together.

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Inside, my heart just cried 'Lionel' and by the end of the song, I was almost in tears.

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wonder how long it'll be till I can think of him or say his name without feeling like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. I suspect it'll be a long long time. I know... I'll heal... eventually. But it'll take time, lots of it. And patience, and prayer. And Hope.

Would it be right to wish it were easy to move on from this? 'Cos it's so frickin' hard. I guess the fact that it's affected me so deeply shows just how much I cared. And I wonder if it even affected him at all. What do you do when you love someone so much but he acts like he doesn't even give a damn?

Reminds me of another favourite song. Chris Martin got it right when he sang this:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you

I am trying. Because I need to know. Even if the truth is brutal, I need to know. How much am I worth to him? How much were we worth?

I think trying to fix him, or hoping to or even wanting to, might just be too naive on my part. First, because nobody is changed till they want to be, and second, because right now I need some fixing myself.

Feels like I'm standing at the edge of a huge chasm, and I'm just starting to build a bridge over to the other side. So afraid I'll fall. But I'll keep building, though it's hard work, and the other side seems so very far away. And who knows what lies on the other side? *shrug* I just want to get there.

Maybe by then, I'll have healed. Maybe I'll be ready to give my heart again someday. Right now, I don't think I have much heart left to give.