Falls apart, by herself

Just heard this morning that a cell member's grandfather passed away. Going to the wake tonight. Thank God that he was a Christian and was sure of his salvation, and in the end it was a peaceful going.

I hope on my deathbed I'm sure of my salvation. Am I? I thought I was, but lately I'm not so sure. I'm scared that in the end I'll lose hold of everything I ever wanted and everything I ever held dear because of my own selfish desires or because I never tried hard enough to get back to where I was before I fell away.

Is it too late?

Well... I know with God it's never too late. But I can't take advantage of that forever. Time to re-examine my life and make some changes. The ironic thing is that I was on the verge of all those changes, and my motivation just fell apart. I'm not even sure what's going on now. Was it wrong to have this motivation in the first place? When you're not doing it only for yourself but for the sake of a relationship. Because it's so much harder going it alone.

I see your point, but I don't quite agree. As always, other factors are at play here. Time was always a problem, and now it looks like it could kill us. I wonder sometimes if it's worth it. I hate uncertainty. Too much heartbreak involved.

I couldn't sleep last night. Tossed and turned for hours but my eyes just wouldn't shut. I just kept going over and over in my head all the things I could have, should have done differently. I know you're doing the same. The question is, where do we go from here?

I won't ask you to stay.

You already know how I feel, so... I guess it's up to you now. Do I regret what I said before? Maybe. Would I reconsider? I don't know. Would it make a difference if I did? And if did make a difference, would that matter to me?

I keep hitting questions I don't have the answers to. I can't answer yours either. I'm sorry.

All I can say is, if you and I have both been through this before, then what good would it do to run? We'd hit the same problem again - we just proved it! The only sensible thing to do is to figure it out now. But like I said, I won't ask you to stay. No, it's not my pride. Pride be damned! It never did anyone much good anyway. I won't ask you because it's not my choice to make. You have to make it on your own. I can offer you solutions but they're only workable if you think they are. I wish I had the strength and courage to face up to whatever's coming. Maybe I'll find I do. Or maybe I'll fall apart.

I miss you.