Crashing

I. Am. So. Freaking. Exhausted. 10 km today, and everything hurts. My ass is aching, my back is sore, my legs feel so tight. That's what I get for not training. Hahaha. And this is just a little taster - minuscule, really - for Taiwan. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm just glad it's over. Gonna crash now. Thank God tomorrow's a holiday!

... I think I'm sort of getting my runner's form back though. It's hard to tell, it's been way too long. *blush* Let's hope I'll be back in shape by the time Dec rolls around. Taiwan is just training for the Stanchart marathon, after all =P

A mission of reconnection

It's birthday week, and it's been so great. Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes, presents, treats and outings! Love all you guys and girls ;)

I'm glad I got to meet up with old friends this week and in the weeks before (and a few more soon) - and some of you are really really really old friends! This year marks 10 years of friendship with some of you people - the friends I got to know in JC - and for some, I'm proud to say we've been friends more than half our lives. Wow. I guess one good thing about getting older is that the really good friendships get stronger and the really good friends get dearer. I find I love you all more and more every year =P

I wish I saw more of some of you though. I know it's hard to meet up sometimes now that most of us are working and travelling and have other commitments, but I've got a little more time now, so this year I'm gonna try to meet up with as many of you as I can, as much as I can. Let's call it my mission of reconnection. So if I haven't already seen you recently, I'll probably be in touch soon. Or if you don't hear from me, then well I guess it's up to you to call me up haha. See you soon! XP

Lost magic

Two of my fave songs by the Magic Numbers...

Love's A Game

Oh maybe I think, maybe I don’t
Maybe I will, maybe I won’t
Find my way this time
I hear you calling me soon

One of these days
Somebody stays and somebody pays
It happens all the time
I’ll be leaving, believing you wanted me to

Maybe I’m a fool
For walking in line
Maybe I should try to lead this time
I’m an honest mistake that you made
Did you mean to?
Did you mean
Did you mean

Love is just a game
Broken all the same
And I will get over you
Love is just a lie
Happens all the time
Swear I know this much is true

And they collared you up
And collared you down
And coloured you in
And I’ve been waiting so long
To take you home

And maybe I think, maybe I don’t
Maybe I will, maybe I won’t
Find my way tonight
But I hear you calling me soon

Maybe I’m a fool
For walking in line
Maybe I should try to lead this time
I’m an honest mistake that you made
Did you mean to?
Did you mean
Did you mean

Love is just a game
Broken all the same
And I will get over you
Love is just a lie
Happens all the time
Swear I know this much is true

Maybe I’m a fool
For walking in line
Maybe I should try to lead this time
I’m an honest mistake that you made
Did you mean to?
Did you mean
Did you mean

Love is just a game
Broken all the same
And I will get over you
Love is just a lie
Happens all the time
Swear I know this much is true

I See You, You See Me

I never wanted to love you, but that's ok
I always knew that you'd leave me anyway
But darling when I see you, I see me

I asked the boys if they'd let me go out and play
They always said that you'd hurt me anyway
But darling when I see you, I see me

It's alright I never thought I'd fall in love again
It's alright I look to you as my only friend
It's alright I never thought that I could feel this something
Rising, rising in my veins
Looks like it's happened again

I never thought that you wanted for me to stay
So I left you with the girls that came your way
But darling when I see you, I see me
I often thought that you'd be better off left alone
Why throw a circle round a man with broken bones
But darling when I see you, I see me

It's alright I never thought I'd fall in love again
It's alright I look to you as my only friend
It's alright I never thought that I could feel this something
Rising, rising in my veins
Looks like it's happened again

You always looked like you had something else on your mind
But when I try to tell you, you'd tell me never mind
But darling when I see you, you see me

I wanna tell you that I'll never love anyone else
You wanna tell me that you're better off by yourself
But darling when I see you, you see me

This is not what I'm like [x4]
This is not what I do
This is not what I'm like
I think I'm falling for you

I never thought - This is not what I'm like
I never thought - This is not what I do
I never thought - This is not what I'm like
I never thought - I think I'm falling for you
I never thought -
I never thought -
That I could feel this something
Rising, rising in my veins
Looks like it's happened again

And it looks like
I feel this something
Rising, rising in my veins
Looks like it's happened again

The magic's lost now. I wonder if I'll ever find it again... I really hope so.

Beautiful Sunday

Two verses I really like:

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Came to me right after I finished QT. And I thought I was done. Guess He wasn't =P

And the song for today:

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He gave His life to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Saviour lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives
But greater still the calm assurance
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives!

And then one day, I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then as death gives way to vict'ry
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives!

YAY ;)

Every time you call

I'm finding my inspiration in the gym these days. Mostly at the end of a workout, when I'm lightheaded with exhaustion (and relief). That's when I start getting songs in my head. I finish them up in the shower, which is why my showers are sometimes almost as long as the workout. I don't sing the songs in the shower - that's probably bad form - but I do dance. Whoooooo!

Anyway, these two songs were inspired by friends and what they're going/have gone through. Neither one is based solely on one person - they're amalgations of various situations, experiences and reactions, which sort of mirror my own as well - but if any part of the song speaks to you, well then that song was probably written for you. (I hope you don't mind my 'borrowing' your experiences for my musical fodder =P Indulge me my vainglory, I'm in a melancholic mood and music always helps.) Thanks for the inspiration, babes. Enjoy.

Song #1 - A rock song. I kept thinking of Chris Daughtry when I came up with this one.

Best that she could be

She wakes up gasping in the middle of the night
Wonder why she's taking fright
There's nothing there but the echo of a name
She lies awake with her eyes tight shut
Tries to tell herself it don't matter much
The world's still turning and she's not the one to blame

Every new beginning comes from an end
She takes her chances, calls hope a friend
Wonder how many will fall along the way
She cries inside but she holds her head high
Won't let nobody ever hear her sigh
Prays for the strength to get her through the day

And it hurts her more than she cares to tell
No she won't admit how much it took
Or how hard she fell
And she's screaming, how could I be so wrong
Can't believe the time she wasted
How did it take so long
For her to see
This was not the best that she could be

She looks at the world with her big brown eyes
She says, it's good to feel hurt 'cos I know I'm alive
Every new cut is another page in my story
But all the pain's driving me insane
I'm getting leached away till just the bones remain
Now here I am in all my faded glory

So will you take me as I am, and then
Maybe one day I'll rise again
Maybe one day I'll be high enough to fall
My paper heart's been ripped to shreds
Can you piece it together with a needle and thread
Can you tell me that I'm all right after all

And it hurts her more than she cares to tell
No she won't admit how much it took
Or how hard she fell
And she's screaming, how could I be so wrong
Can't believe the time she wasted
How did it take so long
For her to see
This was not the best that she could be


Song #2 - This one's a boyband pop song =P Switchfoot meets The Moffatts.

Every time you call

Now it's over but I'm having trouble really letting go
Yeah it's over but there are some things I think you ought to know
After all these years we've been together, feelings running deep
Of all the things I said, there is one promise that I'll always keep

Every time you sigh
I will be right over
Every time you cry
I will dry every tear
But every time you lie
I will run away
'Cos there are things you shouldn't say
But I will love you till my dying day

Oh-oh-oh-ooh-oooh

Now we've said goodbye but I can't seem to stay away from you
Yeah you know I've tried but I can't help it, nothing I can do
Sometimes I wish I'd close my eyes and you would disappear
But then I look at you and I know I will always be here

Every time you call
I will be at your door
Every time you fall
I'll pick you up off the floor
But if you tell me that all
You'll ever need is me
Then baby I'd say can't you see
I love you but we're never meant to be

Oh-oh-oh-ooh-ooooh
Oh-oh-oh-ooh-ooooh
Oh-oh-oh-ooh-ooooh
Oh-oh-oh-ooh

Every time you call
(I will be there baby)
Every time you fall
(It's not a maybe)
Don't you tell me that's all
That you want from me
'Cos baby I'd say can't you see
I love you but we're never meant to be

An exercise in trust

From CG reading today:

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

- Isaiah 40:28-31

It's good to know that small and insignificant as I am, my God is almighty, awesome, magnificent. He is, well, God! He created the heavens and the earth, He put the stars in their place. Surely He can make my way straight. I just have to trust Him - and yes that is the difficult part. But I'm trying to, every day. One baby step at a time.

Sing The Blues

I've got Switchfoot reverberating in my head. Well maybe not reverberating, just playing on a loop. The lead singer has a gorgeous voice - deep and mellow and slightly husky. Delicious. I wish I could sing like that. (Well not exactly like that - I'd scare everyone, including myself. But I wish I could sing better than I currently do.) I wake up and go to sleep with the songs in my head.

Is this the new year or just another night
Is this the new fear or just another fright
Is this a new tear or just another desperation
Is this the finger or just another fist
Is this the kingdom or just a hit and miss
I miss direction most in all this desperation
Is this what they call freedom
Is this what you call pain
Is this what they call discontented fame
It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in
When the world caves in
I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
For broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the new year or just another desperation
You push until you're shoving
You bend until you break
Do you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay
It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in
When the world caves in

- From Switchfoot's 'The Blues'

Sigh. I hate to admit it but... I do miss you still. A little bit. I miss you talking me to sleep every night. I miss hearing your voice on the phone... your warm velvet voice reaching out like a caress to wrap me in layers of soft slumber and tuck me in under the blankets. I miss falling asleep, sometimes with the phone still in my hand, to that last softly breathed, "Goodnight, sleep tight, I'll see you tomorrow" and knowing that you'll be there the next day waiting to enfold me in a warm hug. I miss that certainty. I miss that. Darn... I'm tearing. And I thought I was past this. Deep breath... Whooooo. I will not do this. I will NOT. I can be stronger than this, I have to be, I'm so much better than you deserve (your words), I'm okay. I don't even know if you read any of this. Or if you still think of me. I'm trying not to think of you. You've taken enough already.

Ow. Looks like I still have a long way to go.

Tea and sympathy

Wheeeee!!!! So it looks like I'm getting my holiday after all. I'm going trekking! Jade Mountain in Taiwan, 3-9 November. I'm *hoping* I don't die up there - it's been absolutely eons since I was last on a mountain. Sigh. So out of shape...

Okay, maybe not that out of shape. I have been gymming fairly regularly. Did a 4 km run with Dad this morning - he ran all the way. Not bad for an old man ;) - and I don't feel it at all. (Which I shouldn't, anyway!) I've got a 10km run coming up at the end of the month, about a week before the trip, so hopefully the training for the run will help with the trek. Still, I'd probably better hit Bukit Timah Hill a couple of times first. Wish I didn't have to carry a full pack up. Sigh. Oh well, can't have it all. I'm just happy to be going somewhere. To be among nature's wonders again. Breathing the fresh air, hearing the birdsong...

I've missed trekking, so so much.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm going. Next up, Sipadan! I hope. I've just found myself two potential dive buddies - my freshie Zhiping (you'll always be my freshie, dear!) and my dear Panda friend Far. She's already got her advanced! Whooooo! So next year hopefully we'll get to do a couple of dives together.

And if all goes well I'll get in a few more trips next year too. Exciting! Now to save up...

It's been a good week. I got to meet friends nearly every day. I love you people - okay, I love my boys, but I love my girls more. Muackers everybody! It was really good seeing all of you. Let's do this again soon yeah? And thanks all for the tea and sympathy. And for agreeing (especially the guys) that men are a*******. Yeah, that really makes me feel tons better ;)

Sam: Love you much, babe. Let's go catch a movie sometime. And shop!!!!!
Jess: Babe thanks for your prayers and positivity. I don't think you know how much I appreciate the talks we've had - you're a fantastic girlfriend!
Zhiping: Thanks for cheering me up and giving me a new perspective on the situation. Let me know when you're going diving!
Far: Have a great trip, girl. Be safe. We'll meet up once you get back yeah. Really glad I have you in my life.
Saf: Take care of your hand and don't hurt yourself any more! Hope you have an awesome second trip ;)))))
Min: Happy birthday (again)! Enjoy the perfume, our dearest 'bra' =P
Pete: Thanks for listening and sympathising - it's nice to hear guys face this too. What can I say? Sometimes we can be bitches - not me, fortunately or unfortunately - still, like the song goes, take heart. Standards aren't meant to be lowered, not ever.

Time for bed. My dreams will be sweeter for knowing so many people care. Nights ;)))))

Somewhere far away from here

I need a holiday. Somewhere far away from here.
I need to run away. To a place with lots of beer.
I need to lose myself. And all that has been said.
I need to get away. I need to get out of my head.
I think I'll take a dive. Down into the sea.
Or jump into the sky. Somewhere I can be free.
I'm hanging up my chains. I'm gonna lose control.
I gotta save myself. I gotta extricate my soul.
I'll take a holiday. Somewhere nobody goes.
I'm gonna run away. Just where, nobody knows.
Oh run away with me. And take me by the hand.
I'm gonna find myself. And find out who I am.

Saying goodbye

So we finally said goodbye. It was a lot easier and also a lot harder than I thought it would be. Easier, because I'd almost forgotten how comfortable I am with you, and how I can tell you absolutely anything (I wish we were that honest earlier!) and harder, because now we've said it there's no turning back. The finality... I'm still coming to terms with. It'll take a while to sink in. I'm just letting it ferment now. Give me awhile, I'll be back to normal. Eventually.

I'm glad we got to spend the day together, even if it was to say goodbye. Even if all we did was eat and talk and cry bucketloads. At least I know I did mean something to you. Okay, a lot. And I kinda wish you'd realised that sooner and saved us all the heartache. But, well. These things happen. And things happen for a reason. There's a time and a season for everything, and I guess for us this just wasn't the time.

Still. Thanks for everything. We did have some amazing times, times I'll always treasure. I'm glad we parted as friends. And I'm so proud of myself for having enough self-control not to knee you in the groin. Repeatedly. (Yes, you're right, you do deserve it.) I should get a medal for that.

I'm glad I got to say all the things I wanted to say to you. Now I can stop worrying about losing my resolve and breaking down completely (okay, so we both did that the whole of today). I've had this conversation with you a thousand times over, in my head, and they always end badly, so today wasn't very bad, all things considered! And I'm glad you had a chance to tell me all that stuff too - in a way it made me feel better knowing how you really felt. Thank you for being honest, one last time.

Remember what I said to you. And remember what you said to me. I really hope you keep to it. Don't lose faith, don't stop believing. Ever. I won't.

In His love, and mine,

Mel