Mission accomplished!

I woke up at 6.30 to run this morning. I'm so proud of myself! *pats herself on back* I was tired and sleepy and I hadn't run in ages, but I ran today and I didn't stop till I got home. I kept myself awake by going through guitar chords in my head. Whee!!!!

But wait! Don't be too impressed. My running speed was just slightly faster than the average snail's (kinda like doing the slow crawl but vertically). And I only got through the first 2 lines of Kumbaya - what comes after that? E? G? I forget - which isn't a great song to be going through your head when you're trying to stay awake, but it's the only song I've learnt to strum so far. Well sort of anyway.

And I only ran for all of 20 minutes. In the end I was more or less jogging on the spot outside my house, staring at my watch and counting the seconds to 7.11. Then I stopped jogging, went in and collapsed.

Okay, not quite, but I almost felt like it. I'm painfully out of shape. *grumble* Gonna run again on Friday. Feels good, though, to be running in the morning when the sun's just coming up and the world is waking. Peaceful, and strengthening somehow. Reminds me of AC days. Oh well.

I'm awfully sleepy now though. Yawn...

Up again

My dad gave a talk today. 'Reaching Your Parenting Goals'. He made me laugh a lot, even though I've heard most of his jokes before (he tries them out on us kids first - slides it into his conversation. Sneaky, my da). I must say, he's pretty good. No, okay, he's REALLY good. I know I'm not modest when it comes to my da, but hey, I am proud of him. He's a great dad, a cool dude and still the best speaker I've ever heard. I just love him, that's all.

Anyway, he was talking about raising happy kids. I guess I shouldn't repeat too much of what he said here (might get stolen - it's that good =P) but he was talking about positivity and stuff. And I was thinking, yeah, I am a positive person, so I shouldn't let life get me down. I don't want to be depressed, I want my old 'Never say die' attitude back.

After all, it's only because we're the two most optimistic people in the world (insanely or otherwise) that Greg and I stayed together for so long. Though the odds were way against us, we hung in there... and we made it good.

It's not so bad, I guess. Apart from feeling like a huge part of me just died, I'm doing okay. We still talk, I guess we'll still see each other once in a while, we'll still be best friends, at least till one or both of us really moves on (not thinking about it now!!!!!). Like he says, not very much different from before, seeing as we never had a real relationship. Maybe it IS better this way, 'cause there's no pressure. No fighting, no tears (okay, still lots of those, but they'll dry up eventually. I hope.), no accusations, no frustration, no pretending. I hate pretense anyway, I'm not a good liar (except when I'm throwing surprise parties whee!) so... yeah. Maybe it's better.

I'm coming to terms with it still. Not having Greg around anymore. Not having a future with him to look forward to. Forget all the stuff we had planned, all the promises we made, daydreams about designing my own wedding dress, honeymooning in Paris, the names we picked for our kids. Man, all that seems so laughable now. Two starry-eyed kids, dreaming big dreams. And all the stupid things we argued about. Like how to raise our kids. We fought about that on like, our third date! How crazy is that?

I guess we should have seen it coming. We had such different views right from the start. We're both stubborn asses, and we both think we're 100% right. And when we fight, man, we fight. No holds barred. Funny how we both love a good debate (and this is the guy I debated against in J1, before I even knew who he was!) and our debates can be so fun, but when it comes to the way we were brought up... we just can't seem to let it go. No compromises. We both need to win the argument. Trouble is, there's only ever one winner in a debate. So.

Oh well.

Anyway, sigh. I do miss Greg an awful lot. I can't help it, everything I do or see or hear reminds me in some way of him. I was clearing out my closet today and I just couldn't bear to throw out anything that he ever said I looked great in, or anything that I wore on one of our special dates, or even anything I bought while I was with him. I remember exactly what I wore on our very first date - jeans and a red sleeveless top, one of my favourites. And suede boots, the ones I did the funky dance in, that made him laugh at me and totally fall in love with me. And I remember what I wore the first time we went night cycling together (okay technically the second time... the first time I was laughing at him the whole night while he crashed into fences and drains...). Another red top, and my favourite Nike shorts. And I remember the dress I wore on my 21st birthday, a gorgeous ankle-length slinky red dress that I spent hours shopping around for. (See a pattern? I love red. It's my lucky colour.) I remember what I wore to the zoo with him, I remember what I wore to his club. I remember the dress I wore to his 21st birthday. God, that dress!!!!!

I sleep with the teddy bear he gave me. When I wake up I see his photo on my bedside table. He's in my wallet too (okay maybe I should just get rid of those, but I'm not quite ready yet.) On the radio I hear songs we used to bop to in his car, or dance to when we went clubbing. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh... I really really miss you, Greg. Think I might have said that before. We had some great times together, yeah?

But anyway. I'm trying to get over him, though it isn't easy... but hey. We're both positive, we've always bounced back incredibly quickly after every major blow-up, we've never been down for long. One of the things I totally love about us. Still do. No matter what, we always bounce back. So why should things be any different this time?

Already I can feel myself getting my old positivity back. It's always been there, maybe I just didn't give it much space to show lately. Well now that I'm a swingin' single again, it's back to the old Mel. With some improvements I hope ;) I'm gonna start working out more, getting closer to God, hanging out with other people. All the stuff I should have done long ago, but was too caught up in Greg to do. I guess I do have more freedom now, though I'd happily trade it all for Greg. But since I don't have him, I'll make the most of my freedom, wanted or not.

Does it sound like I've given up on him completely? I suppose it does. I'm open to the 'Maybe in a few years' idea, 'cause you know, never say die right? I mean anything's possible, so I won't say no just yet. Besides, it's just such a waste to let it all go just like that.

But still, I've never been one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I go out there and make things happen. If they don't happen, I'm okay with that, but either way, I'm not waiting. I hate uncertainty. Waiting for something, knowing that that something is going to happen sometime, well that's one thing. But waiting for something that may or may not happen? Just doesn't work for me. I guess Greg should know that better than anyone else. Impatience is possibly my greatest weakness.

I suppose, if it happens, it happens. Then again, who knows? Maybe someone else will come along. Maybe.

That's the old Mel talking again. I'm glad. Be positive, that's my blood type, B+. Actually that's where my dad got one of his ideas about raising positive kids ;) heh. My parents have been really supportive. I told them I'd be okay. I told my dad, "I AM your daughter, after all." Can't keep me down, not for long anyway.

Look out world! I'm back.