Super-stressed. Need hugs NOW.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Much to tell.

So much has been happening lately, it's just been a whirlwind of activity. I don't think I've had time to properly process all of it, which is why I walk around with my head semi-imploding these days. *BOOM* Whoops there it goes again.

This week has been hectic, frenetic, crazy Idon'tthinkIcankeepupthispacewithoutanervousbreakdownsometimesoon busy. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! While I am actually really really really enjoying myself with the relentless busy-ness of it all in a sado-masochistic kinda way, sometimes I just wanna sit down, scream, and pull out clumps of hair, not necessarily mine.

At work, I'm spending half my time in meetings (and strangely I'm actually having fun in them. Whee!) and the rest of the time I'm running around liaising with various people. This guy I interviewed put it very nicely, he said an editor's job is to be the middleman. What fun it is. Hahahahaha. (And now you can't tell whether I'm being sarcastic right.) It's an interesting job, really, but the thing is, the only time I really get any work done now is after office hours, hence the eyebags and occasional blank stare. I'm learning to sleep with my eyes open!

I'm turning into a real workaholic (okay I know I always was one), but I'm a playaholic too, or at least I'm trying to be. After the J P Morgan run yesterday (tell me if you see me on TV, I'm pretty sure I waved to the cameras a couple of times) I had dinner at Mosburger with my running buddies and we decided to carry on with the training sessions twice a week. New plan: Tuesdays long run - we're planning to increase the distance week by week till we all become marathoners haha, and Thursdays cycling or blading because we feel bad about always using the lockers for free... the auntie at the bike store is just so nice, we gotta pay her back somehow. Who says niceness doesn't pay? ;)

It's nice to hang out with colleagues outside of work, and colleagues from different floors, no less. We're promoting healthy lifestyles as well as bonding within the company. Yay, us! Oh and our picture will be in our next company newsletter I think. Hahahahaha. I wish we had prettier T-shirts though. Oh well. There's always next year.

I met Far on the bus back from the run. We were talking about our next Berry outing when I remembered her birthday's in May and we were gonna hold the next gathering to celebrate it. Anyway we decided on Saf's place (since we had Saf's birthday party at Far's place hurhur...) and yes, it'll be potluck as planned. Since it's still *supposed* to be a surprise although Far already knows about it (she just messaged me 'Ok... Make it a surprise party ah!'), don't breathe a word to her, people! I told her I'd blog so her fellow Berries can discuss it, but she's not allowed to peek. So if the first 3 letters of your name are F-A-R... Okay now close your eyes!!!

FOR THE EYES OF EVERYONE BUT FARAH: Top-secret party plans! (Farah! Now go away shoo.)
*****************************************************************************
Date: 21 May, Sun (3 days after Far's b'day)
Time: Afternoon I guess. Since I've got Big Walk in the morning heh.
Who's coming: Raspberry (yay!), Blueberry, Gooseberry and of course Wildberry since it's her place. And I think Wildberry's sister? And maybe Blackberry too (that's Isma in case you've forgotten). 5 of the original 6 members... not bad!
Food: Saf's cooking lasagne. I was gonna bring ice cream but since whatever I bring will be in the car for at least 2 hours while I walk the Big Walk, prob not. Errr. Sara Lee chocolate pound cake? What else... hot dogs and burgers maybe.
Movie: ... I dunno. Suggest something! I haven't watched V yet. Boohoo...
Decorations: To be confirmed. Like Saf's party? You know Far hasn't even taken down the ones we put up at her place... haha. I'm not sure about Mickey and Minnie balloons though, those took ages to blow up.
Present: I vote for girly stuff! First the handbag, then the lacy blouse and skirt, whatever's next??? Heels? Bracelets?? Mascara???!!! Go wild girls. Me, I think something pink would be good =P

****************************************
Hey I was looking through the Hello Panda Club stuff (okay I forgot Isma's berry name) and man, we were inspired back then. Well we were 15. We had rules, a pledge, a ridiculously long song, even our own special HPC greeting. Remember the wiggle? I showed it to Greg and he laughed. Hahaha well it is pretty cute, especially when you do it with wide eyes and a loony smile.

Glad we Berries are still together ;) I love you girls! Whee!!!!!! We gotta plan a reunion someday with everyone else. Man...

*Whoops my bro just walked by with nothing but a tiny towel round his waist. And he said, "I is half-nekkid now." Eh. Okay...*

In other news, I just found out a few days ago that Stardust is being made into a movie. It's going to be filmed in Iceland and it stars Michelle Pfeiffer. Wheeeee! Also read that Ricky Gervais is in it. Say what? Well I guess we'll see. I don't know what role he's playing though. Maybe he'll be the goat. Heh.

Yvaine's been cast, I don't know who it is but I hope she meets my *ahem* expectations. Oh well. STARDUST! Whee!!!!

Oh apparently people are talking about it on The Slate as well (and I thought it was all about the music there). The thread was started by my colleague, heh. Didn't know she had read the book. She just keeps getting cooler. Haha.

I'm gonna re-read Stardust. Can't wait for the movie. And Mirrormask! Argh!!!!!!!! Hehe. Just realised that I had an introduction to Neil Gaiman even before Stardust. Borrowed Alvin's Books of Magic for way too long. Been meaning to buy my own. And Neverwhere. Okay, I wanna read that too.

Sigh... will you look at the time. Not again. I don't think I've slept earlier than 1.30am in the past month. Saddedness. *cry* Time to go I guess. And there's so much more to tell. Oh well next time. Although next time there'll be more also. Well.

Btw if anyone is interested in an advanced diving course, a colleague of mine signed up with Divercity for a trip to Dayang, but she can't go now for um personal reasons. So if anyone wants to know more or knows someone who wants to know more... ask me lah. The trip is valid anytime, 3 days 2 nights, $338 inclusive of accomodation, transport, food and equipment. Sounds like a good deal actually.

Speaking of diving... I'm going in MAY!!!!!!!! Which is like, 3 days away!!!!!!!! (Although the trip isn't till later.) Whee!!!! So looking forward to it, I need this holiday so bad it hurts. Hahahahaha. Gonna buy my equipment soon. And bikinis. And get waxed. And get a tattoo. Yeeha!

I'm not kidding. I think ;)

P.S. I haven't forgotten the blog about my room. I'll finish it sometime. And then I'll do the living room. New cushion covers. Yay!!!!!!!!

P.P.S. Thanks Lionel for the *hugs*. You're a sweetie! When you coming back?

Who am I?

ISFJ-The Protector You scored 27% I to E, 57% N to S, 42% F to T, and 10% J to P!

The protector type is called such because you feel your life is best used to protect those you love from the pitfalls of life, to see to their safety and security. You belong to the larger group called guardians. You find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden. You are not talkative with strangers, but you can chat tirelessly with those you trust. You have a good solid work ethic. You are thorough and very likely frugal. You do not like to be in a place of authority, and will delegate poorly if forced into a lead position. You share your type with 10% of the population. As a romantic partner, you are generous and gentle. Occasionally you may be taken for granted because of this fact. You are tireless in providing acts of service for your loved ones. You run the risk of always being exhausted because you won't say no to your partner. You are sensitive to criticism and will withdraw rather than fight back. You wish to be appreciated for your loyalty and whole hearted nuturing. Your values must be respected and you thrive on consideration and kindness. Your group summary: Guardians (SJ) Your Type Summary: ISFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 38% on I to E You scored higher than 76% on N to S You scored higher than 41% on F to T You scored higher than 1% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test Heh well no surprise there. Just an extension of the earlier one. Good to know I haven't changed *that* much, just somewhat... from INFP to ISFJ. I think it's an occupational hazard, Sensing and Judging. That's what editors do, right? Make judgement calls all day, and... sense stuff. Or something. Anyway. I guess it's pretty accurate, except WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T DELEGATE WELL???? I think I do it pretty well actually. Place of authority? Meh. Yes and no. Yes, because I really like delegation, and because when it comes to work I'm something of a control freak. I'm a perfectionist - if it's got my name on it, it'd better be a great project. I can't give less than 110%, even if it kills me (it frequently almost does). And no, because I work myself too hard. I dunno, I guess I'm too forgiving when it comes to everyone else, so I end up doing everything myself. If you want something done, DIY, right? Otherwise you just have to be prepared for second-best (although sometimes the results may surprise you). Talk about workaholic... sheesh. 72 hours of work with a couple of hours' break for highly irregular showers and 40 winks , and practically no food (no time!). I'm surprised I'm still alive. Wasn't a good time in my life. Owch. Anyhoo. The rest of it describes me pretty well. These 2 points keep popping up lately in describing me: 1. I may be taken for granted 'cos I'm too gentle. 2. My values must be respected. Sigh. Is it wrong to be nice? That's just... sad. I hate being taken for granted, but I love doing things for people. It just makes me happy. I guess it's strange, it just does. Weird kind of high I guess. Oh well. I'm not planning to stop now. As long as people don't mess with my values =P I'm just an old-fashioned gal. I like guys who are gentlemen, and girls who are ladies. Pity that they're getting harder to find these days. I wonder why. Sometimes I wish I were 18 again.

"I'm on your side, actually"

current mood: pensive

Just watched Grey's Anatomy. Saddedness. McDreamy chose the bitch over Meredith. *cries quietly in the corner* Silly ass... men can be so stupid. I mean, she cheated on you!!! Have some self-respect.

I hate it when the bad guy (or girl) wins. Life is so unfair. What about the good girl?

Sucks.

Was looking for SJS's blog on a tip-off from Far (no luck so far) when I came across this entry on Feng's blog... here it is, unadulterated (laughs ironically at choice of words):

if one were to maintain one's dignity by not voicing out one's distaste
for some things or people,
it might mean that one would be allowing one's sensibilities to
continue being assailed,which comes across as very benevolent and serene and godlike,
but...hmm, humanly quite impossible?
or at least,
it's gonna be goddamn fucking annoying for one
while the annoy-er will get away with it without being checked and
chastised.then who's gonna start the karma ball rolling??! what if there is *no*
divine justice?shouldn't we take matters into our own hands and...
be human about it?

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."
- should it be this simple? can it?
duncha find it kinda insanely hard to apply hard and fast rules to life?

25 November 2005

Interesting structure. And I guess, much truth behind her words. Since when were we too polite to disagree? When did we start trading self-respect for indifference? Doesn't basic courtesy matter to anyone anymore?

Oh well. I just don't get it. I guess the old traditions are falling apart. Well, we all have to do our part to preserve them, if we care enough. I know I still do.

There's a place for us... in my room!

There's a place for us
There's a place for us...
Take my hand and we're halfway there
Take my hand and I'll take you there...

Just watched West Side Story tonight. The singing was pretty good, the dancing not bad and the acting okay-ish. I guess it was just all right for me. (I sound like Simon Cowell.) Not spectacular, not standing-ovation-good. Definitely not worth 130 bucks!

Sigh. So that's why I'm broke.

Maria and Tony, the star-crossed lovers, were suitably love-struck and dreamy. Vocally sound, though we felt Maria lacked passion in her performance. Tony wasn't as cute as his picture (though that might be because we were seated in the third row from the back and couldn't see his face), and as Sakina observed, he was 'a little stout'. Ah well. You can't have it all.

There was one bright spot though - Anita, Maria's friend and girlfriend of Maria's doomed brother Bernados, totally stole the show. She had the best lines and sassy moves to match. It was fun watching her. I think I preferred the Puerto Ricans to the American girls, much more spirited they were. Although I'm not sure about the accents.

Anyway, next Berry outing will be a much less expensive affair. West Side Story - the VCD - and potluck at Farah's... what say? And Shimin will be our guest of honour, since she's been MIA for so long. She can't say no to home-cooked food, surely. Lasagna's on the menu already. I volunteer dessert.

By the way girls, I think you all gave me a free dinner! I paid $15.80 for all of us. Farah gave me $5, Saf gave me $10 for herself and Sakina. So... my hor fun turned out surprisingly cheap. I love eating out with you girls =P

I'm enjoying this long weekend. Been sleeping at unearthly hours and waking up almost at bedtime. It's fun! Went clubbing at MOS with Greg, Felix and his friends last night. DJ Tiesto was spinning. Not bad for trance, but I got poked in the eye and dripped upon, so we ended up at TCC talking politics at 3am. Hanging out with you is a constant surprise, Greg. Fun, yes, interesting, definitely. But always surprising.

Today I pretty much just vegetated at home. Okay, so I cleaned the floor, walked the dog (in the rain!) and watched a musical with the girls, but everything else was just Lazy Bones material. Let's see... I watched Lost (missed Thursday's one 'cos Greg and I went to pick up MOS tix for Friday night), I ate carrot cake, chocolate chip cookies (Mom's a fabulous baker) and Lay's potato chips (sour cream and onion, who can resist?), and took lots of photos of my room. Yes... my ROOM.

My siblings think I'm crazy, and okay maybe I am, but my room is just so pretty. I love the bright colours and the different textures. I love the stuffed toys and rugs and the cushions. I love the cosiness of it all. I love my room!!!!!

See?



















And that's just the view from the bathroom.

Lest you think I'm some psycho nut with a bedroom fetish (that sounds so wrong), let me say that I'm proud of my room 'cos it's so neat. And it's so neat 'cos I spent hours sorting out all the junk and putting it all away tidily and in actual coherent order. So there.

And now, a tour. Bear with me. Itsa pwetty room!

















The top shelf of my wall mirror (above). Right-most panel (right) - I got the tiny notebook from the girls on my 21st birthday (Farah drew me on the first page!), the bandaged bear from Sam and the guys when I was in hospital after fracturing my wrist, and the big paper clip from Dad. It says, 'Help me to remember, Lord, that nothing will happen today that you and I can't handle together.' . I love that.

I love bright colours, obviously. There's a sort of tropical beach theme to the mirror shelf on the two left-most panels... goes with the hand-painted cloth hanging on the wall on the left of the mirror (left). Bought that when Greg and I were at Redang beach during our time in the Rovers comm.










... and below the cloth hanging, Koochiepoo reigns supreme on the doggy chair. Welcome to Downtown Dogtown. Behind Koochie is my trusty Doggy, courtesy of Greg, Valentine's Day. That's not a cushion cover under the multi-coloured flat cushion by the way. That's a bandanna, I just liked the paw prints.

Aaaaaaaaand... next to Koochiepoo, what do we have? Why, the rest of Dogtown, of course (below). That's Roverdog the tissuebox cover, unidentical twin of Papierre (the one in Greg's car). Also courtesy of Greg. Roverdog is named after Rovudorr, the group Greg and I were in in our first Rovers camp together. And obviously, he is a Rovers dog, just as I will always be a Rovers girl ;)















The doggy photo holders were from Lionel, a dear friend I made purely by chance =P and they're called Bullie and Gracie (no prizes for guessing which is which!). The photos are from my 21st birthday outing - mine was taken at the zoo and Greg's at his club's restaurant. Still one of the sweetest days of my life ;)

The brown dog sitting in the mug in front is Russ. That's what his name tag (oops, that's the brand!) says anyway. He's from Russ, so I guess that's fitting. I call him Rusty actually (the dog, not my brother) and he used to be my handphone holder, but Russ got me a new one last Christmas, so Rusty's back in the mug he was found in.

Further along the shelf... a tealight holder from Weiwen, on my 18th birthday I think. He painted it himself. I couldn't tell, it still looks really good.

The tiny blue elephant is actually an incense stick holder. I love tealights and scent candles. And colourful stuff, especially coloured glass. The cup is filled with marbles I collected and played with as a kid. The cup itself was from the Rovers 23rd comm. It has my name on it in blue acrylic.

The blue box (you can see only the edge) is from Damien on Valentine's Day. Hand-painted, and very sweet ;) I keep my postcards and post-its in there. It's got a pink sandal keychain (from Candice) stuck on the top. The OP notebook underneath the box is from Tanya, for my 18th birthday. I write poems in it.















And here you can see the books next to the blue box. All my favourites, including Watership Down and Plague Dogs, The James Herriot Collection, The Teenage Textbook and The Teenage Workbook, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and the whole THHGTTG series. Most of the books have pretty dog-eared pages by now. I love these books, I'll never get tired of them. Sitting on the books is Dolphin (yes not very imaginative name I know) from Greg, a souvenir of one of his trips to his hometown. Hope I'll be there with him some day.

That's the handphone holder that Russ got me, in front of the books. I haven't named him yet. See my pretty pillowsheet? I lurve pink and red. Such warm, cosy colours they are. Perfect teddy, Greg Jr., on the pillow. Hey, you can even see my first aid kit peeking out from behind my pillow! Good to be prepared right? ;) My sleeping bag's there too. Behind the pillow is where I keep my torches, my camera, and my alarm clocks. 2 of them, anyway. The third is on the shelf, in the shape of an airtank. Got it from Dave at a casino night at Cafe Narcosis. Greg and I were playing till the party broke up but we didn't win anything. I think Dave noticed our sad faces and gave us the clocks just to cheer us up. It's supposed to be a radio clock but it's never played music. Oh well, I love the cheery yellow of it anyway. Almost put it in the bathroom - it goes splendidly with the toilet seat, you'll see why later - but I decided another clock looked better there.















The rest of the bed. (Bedsheet courtesy of Mom. She's got great taste in household furnishings.) Bolster at the end, and my comfy blue striped comforter. Also the rug and the floor. I wanted warm, bright colours to complement the parquet. I think they work well together. I have a similar rug on the other side of the bed. The Nike waterbottle was from Russ. He won it in a competition, then gave it to me. Sweeeeeeeet.

Okay the rest of the room coming up next post. It's late and I'm getting hungry... never a good sign. Night!

Edit: Ok, now that I'm fed and watered, here's the rest of my room!









View from the right (left). The other rug!



And in the Chinese Corner, my baby doll AiQin (Love) on the right and her parents Li (Strength) and En (Mercy) on the left. My parents gave me Love when I was like, 2 years old. Strength and Mercy are gifts from my uncle. The jigsaw puzzle I bought years ago at a Crescent funfair.

Check out the shelves below... the neatness! The order! The... neatness!!! I think I did a pretty good job, eh? ;) Books that are readable but not fantastic on the extreme right of the top shelf, Harry Potters in the middle (they were in a cubbyhole next to my bed previously) and the all-new (are you ready for this??) self-improvement section on the extreme left... I'm all grown up now! It's got books on investment, careers, religion and even on learning Malay. *Fwah!!!* With decks of cards as bookends, of course.

Second shelf: empty files, organisers and notebooks, photo albums, photo CDs and unfiled photos (I'll get round to them someday).

The neatness!!!!!!!

And of course... (drum roll please) ze bookzelf!!!!! The best, and only the best of the best. Including classics like Little Women (and Good Wives, and Little Men, and so on), The Prince and the Pauper (mostly from Mom, Jo's Boys from Greg) and Gone With the Wind (Nick). The thick green one on the left top shelf is Wild Swans (from Dad). Btw my colleague informs me that we should be saying 'such as' instead of 'like' unless we mean 'similar to but not including'. Meh.

The shelf on the right top is devoted to Roald Dahl (the inspiration for my poetic style) and BC comics, my favourite comic still.

In the middle are the books I will never tire of... the Michael Crichtons, some Jeffrey Archers, lots of Catherine Lim. Jaws, Alien, and the Narnia series. Pretty diverse lot.

At the bottom of the shelf: the hardcovers (I prefer paperbacks, in general), comics (I love Farside and Foxtrot) and Agatha Christies - I collect the Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple series.

I'm happy to lend, btw, if you've got any good books I can borrow in return ;) Science fiction and humour work best for me. Which is why I'm a Hitchhiker. Whoo!

(Below) My piggybank! From Heng and TC on my 21st. I haven't been able to satisfy his hunger yet, he's got a big tum-tum. I'm working on it though, even though it comes out his ass now and then. I love Piggy, even though he's a cow really. I have a thing for cute cows.

Like the curtain? I chose it myself, and I love it to bits even though it doesn't quite cover the windows. Garfield's from my uncle, I won the streetfighter thingy at a funfair.

(Above left) The 'caged' bears are Jay and Kay (the white one). The orange thingy to the right of the bears is a clock, it's standing on my namecard holder (other people's namecards, not mine). (Above right) My Miffy bunnies and Miffy cups. From the 'rents on my 21st. My Mom used to read me Miffy books when I was a Toddler ;) (Actually, I think I read them myself 'cos she didn't like them much.) The pink umbrella is from a Teacher's Day performance at Crescent... ah, the days of the ol' Lemon Tree.

More to come! Maybe tomorrow, I'm tired now. Had training today. Night!

I'm a guardian... angel?

Your Temperament is Guardian

Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.

Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.

Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.

Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.

The Four types of Guardians are:

Supervisors (ESTJ) | Protectors (ISFJ) | Inspectors (ISTJ) | Providers (ESFJ)

Hmmmm I guess that's pretty accurate. It's interesting to see how I've gone from INFP (I've been that for years and years) to a possible ESTJ. Talk about a complete turnaround. Then again, lately all my characteristics have been pretty much split down the middle, in between the two extremes, so I'd like to think I'm more balanced now ;)

God is good. How could I forget?

I'm feeling really affirmed right now.

Been super stressed lately, was praying and praying and praying so hard last night and the whole of today. I got home and I got the news... it's good! It's great! It's all we hoped for. *crosses fingers* Pray that it will last!!!!!!

Can't say much right now, still have to keep it under wraps for awhile. Suffice it to say, it's a huge load off my mind. I think I can sleep easy tonight ;)

The amazing thing is, there was actually affirmation, in the most incredible and kinda cute way. God has a sense of humour for sure ;) Again, don't think I can really share it right now, but we do believe we're doing the right thing as a family. It's such a relief, and somehow it just makes me feel blessed, that we're going to be even more blessed. PRAISE THE LORD! Keep us in prayer if you know what I'm talking about, and even if you don't.

This is kind of a turning point I guess. Let's hope the road continues to be smooth...

Although in a way I can see the hidden war coming to the fore... these are dark days ahead. I wonder how long it'll be till the storm breaks. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I hope I won't be there to see it. Maybe not during my lifetime, or my kids', or my kids' kids'. Well. Whatever happens, happens. And when it does, we'll just have to face it.

I'd still like to avoid conflict wherever possible though. I think we're skipping the first (potential) battle already. Anyway, it's a delicate position so I don't think it wise to have said yes to Friday. Anyhoo.

On an even more personal level, I got my own affirmation too! As Greg so succinctly puts it... Yey!!!!!!! Yesterday morning, soon as I got to work, we had this big meeting. And one of the top management people (can't name names I guess) went off on a tangent a bit and pulled out this strange analogy... she said if you were married would you let your husband keep giving a female colleague a lift home from work because she lived near you? No of course not (she said), don't be stupid. Especially if she's attractive and the office is far away, like in Tuas! (She said) I'll bet you something will happen, I give them 3 months at the most. Your husband can say he'll be faithful to you but do you think the girl won't grab him? Here you have this hunk beside you every day giving you a lift home, of course she'll do something.

Eh. Wo zhanchen!

I couldn't have put it better. Seriously? Seriously! It's like God's telling me I did the right thing ;) I mean, wow... our meeting had NOTHING to do with adultery in case you're wondering. So I don't know where that came from, but anyway it came. And for some reason things have been going really well since that meeting. For my family, for Greg (I hope!!!), for me. So I guess I did something right... finally. Guess I ought to have done it sooner. Oh well. I didn't know then what I know now, so I'll just have to take it.

Anyway, things are heating up at work. My boss just flew off to India so I've got my work cut out for me for the next 3 weeks. So far it's been ok, I'm looking forward to the weekend though. Good Friday's a holiday! I think I need it, after all the stress =P

I am a French bitch

Was watching Coupling yesterday. One of my fave shows. Didn't catch all the shows previously (downloaded from various sources =P) so I try to watch on Sundays when I'm free, which actually doesn't happen too often. Steve was hilarious! When he got super carried away and said that line about women sprouting extra feet at night and galloping the streets shouting "Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"... hooboy, that was classic. I think Steve's my favourite character. He's just got such a serious face and he says his lines in such a deadpan manner. Rocks.

There was this bit later on where Sally and Jane were pretending to be French... "I am Giselle. *whiplash* I am a French Bitch."... I totally loved that. Corny, yes, but you gotta love them anyway. My sis says it's a crap show with no values but what does she know? She watches Arrested Development and Family Guy and Extras and actually thinks they're good. Ha! Okay, so I know Greg likes those shows too (you people have such weird taste) but whatever, not my thing. Different, shall we say, plane of humour. Anyhoo.

That phrase stuck in my mind, about being a French bitch. Wouldn't it be great to be a bitch? For like, a day maybe, and just be bitchy. Like Jane's crazy evil twin. Heh. I'm just so super super super super super stressed out right now with everything that's going on, and on top of all that I have to deal with... bitchy people. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Hey, you know, it's hard work being nice all the time. You turn the other cheek and people just throw **** in your face. That's not the way it's supposed to work! Why do nice guys have to finish last? It isn't fair. Why can't people at least be civil?

I'm... so... sick... of people treating me like crap. Like I don't have feelings, like I don't count, like I'm not there. I mean, what have I ever done to you, that you have this personal vendetta against me? It's so messed up. I mean, ****.

*Deep breath Mel, deep breath* Honestly, as if my life isn't complicated enough. I feel like Meredith Grey. My home life's complicated, my love life's complicated, my friends' lives are complicated, and then I've got a bitchy third party who's always hovering around. I mean... seriously! Leave me alone already.

I think today I almost snapped. Enough is enough. Being nice means people take advantage of you, okay, I give them the benefit of the doubt, I'm okay with being a nice fool sometimes. But there are some things a girl just won't stand for. I do have self-respect, you know. If I say something I mean it. I'm not kidding around so don't just pretend you didn't hear me, or act like it doesn't matter. Because it DOES. I don't like being lied to, especially by the people I trust, the people who, above everyone else, aren't supposed to lie to you. Is nothing sacrosanct in this world anymore? Can everything that you ever believed in, everything you held dear, be torn down just like that, in one breath, one devastating, gut-wrenching, soul-twisting, faith-destroying moment?

Oh dear, I seem to have gone off on a tangent. There really is a lot going on in my head right now. Been wrestling with most of it for awhile... it's just so complicated. Who can I talk to? The ones I trust most have problems of their own at the moment. And sometimes I don't know who I can trust anymore.

I'm feeling kinda lost.

At least I took a stand today. It was hard, but I did it. I'm nice, but there's only so far I can be pushed. I'm not a friggin doormat! It was hard enough forgiving, and believe me, when I say hard, it really means something. Insulting me is one thing, but disrespecting my relationship with my boyfriend is way over the limit. We've fought long and hard for us, we're still fighting. I'm not gonna let anything hurt us.

Sometimes though, I wish you'd take a stand too. Yes I love that you're a nice guy, but do you HAVE to be so nice all the time, to everyone? I mean, you're my boyfriend. If you don't stand up for me, who will? I'm not saying I need you to defend me, I think women should know how to take care of themselves... but a little support would be nice. Back-up, yeah?

Sigh. Back to being nice, I guess. I just don't want people to walk all over me. I'll always err on the side of niceness, but don't take me for granted, okay? Nice doesn't mean I don't hurt, too.

My fair ladies

Saturday was ultra-packed. Woke up early for the photoshoot at Nanyang. My boss was sick again so I was on my own. Sigh. It was CRAZY! Dissecting sheep kidneys ain't fun, especially when you have to stop every 2 minutes to check the photos. I ended up slicing every single kidney we had (6 or 7, I lost count) to get the right shot. Urgh. I mean, normally I kinda like cutting up stuff but this was pretty gross, all slimy and squishy and bloody and SMELLY. When I was done everything smelled of kidney. Eeks!

Dissecting Ischaemum was worse, I think. The specimens were so terribly tiny. Like, half a cm each. And I couldn't focus them under the microscope so I had to just peer really really closely at them while I patiently teased them apart. I *hope* I got the right shots!

Anyway, the shoot went off all right and I was quite pleased at the end results. The lab tech, Lena, was pretty impressed with our work so far. That's a really good sign! ;) Now, if only the rest of Singapore feels that way too...

So I left Nanyang almost 2 hours late and cabbed down to Crescent. Party was in full swing but most of the girls had left already. Shimin left early with Ghim Hong cos she found it boring :( And Sam and the girls went off to Sam's place so I didn't see any of them :((((( Must catch up with the 2/9-ers one day... Saf was saying we could have a class reunion. I wonder how many would actually turn up though. Well there's always the gala dinner! 100 bucks a pop, so maybe lah.

Toured the school with Saf and Far. It was nice to reminisce about all the old places, and exclaim how much things had changed (or not). We do this every time we go back to Crescent, haha. Most of the teachers we couldn't recognise, they all look so young, barely older than us. We did meet a few of our former teachers though - we got to see Mr Samat get dunked, we heard Mr Lim sing a mandarin song (he recognised us! And later promised to sing for us for free next time) and we had a nice long chat with Mrs Yip. She still remembers us. She asked if I were still editing Biology books. I told her yes, and Saf was helping me too. She looked at Farah and said, "You! You dropped Biology!" Heh.

We had a few good laughs. It's great to go back and see teachers you know. Although they do tend to say the same things sometimes. Mrs Yip was asking what we were all doing.
Farah: "I'm a freelance video editor."
Me: "I'm an editor." And pointing to Saf: "Freelance editor." Haha.
Mrs Yip to Saf: "You've put on weight huh." Turning to me: "You've put on weight too." Pause. And then to Farah: "You too."
Me, "We're editors!"

Heh. All part of the job.

Pity we didn't get to see Mrs Wong though, especially as she was the one who'd asked us down. (Actually, what happened was she told Weiyu to get us to go for the funfair, otherwise Weiyu would get beaten up. Or something.) We were all so looking forward to seeing her. We left her a note on her desk. Hope she remembers us!

We seem to have trouble with our dates though. I was going to write the date on the note but I wasn't sure what the date was.
Me: "What's the date? It's... the 8th?"
Farah: "I think it's the 8th."
Saf: "Wait let me check my phone."
Me: "I'm lazy to check my organiser... but I *think* it's the 8th." Looking at Farah and Saf, who's checking her phone: "Oh wait... actually there are calendars above your heads."
...
Farah: "Yeah... it's the 8th."

Hee. And at the end of the note when I was signing off for everyone, we wanted to put our classes and the year we were in her class in case she wasn't sure which Mel + Safiyya + Farah we were. And everyone was like, "Is it '05 or '06? '06? Yeah I think it was '06." And then we realised it was really 1996 we meant. Sigh. We're getting old.

Anyway after the funfair we went to Breeks! at Orchard. Good food and great conversation. It was amazingly fun just chatting to the girls. I love you ladies! You guys are just the best ;) I think it's really cute the way we automatically give one another part of our food the moment it comes. No need to ask, just take lah. Haha.

Can't wait to see you girls again! West Side Story, whoo! I love watching musicals. Speaking of which, Saf, remember that flower you asked me the name of? It's actually a spider lily, not tiger lily. Sorry my mind must have been on Peter Pan, after all that talk about musicals. I need to travel more. I get jealous when you girls talk about watching Les Miserables and Phantom in far-off places. Next time you jet off to Sweden or France or wherever, TAKE ME WITH YOUUUUUUUU!!!! Heh. I wish ;)

Sing softly to me

Moment over!

Okay, I'm back. No more broodiness. If anyone's wondering what to make of the previous post, just forget it, ok? Doesn't mean anything. Well, not really, but I'm not gonna talk about it anyway so don't ask, and if you weren't planning to, then good.

Anyway, song time! Here's something I wrote on the bus back tonight...

Eternity/Beautiful Fiction

Don't make me cry for you
Say I'm sorry for you
I won't lie to you
I don't even like you
Don't make me do it
(I won't do it)
Don't make me say it
(I can't do it)
Don't make me feel
What you want me to feel
You're messing me up
I know it's not real
I'm inside your head
Inside your head
Inside your head

It's a beautiful fiction
That's the only thing that's true
She's in love with his diction
And I'm crazy over you
(Crazy over you)

Don't make me worship you
Be a fool for you
You want a job done
I'm just a tool to you
Don't make me do it
(I won't do it)
Don't make me say it
(I can't do it)
I won't sympathise
With a problem this size
Deal on your own
I must emphasise
Don't make me be the one
Be the one
Be Number One

Okay that's it! My Linkin Park/Sugar Ray/The Suns-inspired ditty, well the melody anyway. Yes, it HAS a tune, and the tune beats the lyrics.

... which isn't saying very much.

Again, don't even ask what it means, I dunno either. Search me, brother!

Another one... this one got no tune ah. Actually, this is sort of an apology to Greg. For you know... stuff.

Calmer

Call me later when I'm calmer
Past the lightning pace of day
Softly rain fades into twilight
Wash all trace of doubt away

Can you see now where I'm going?
I can't tell if I'm still here
Hold your hand out in the darkness
I will come back, never fear

Lead me now and I will follow
Ask of me I will confide
Forbearing all, through sin and sorrow
You were always by my side

Spring and summer soon upon us
Leave the bitter cold behind
Sleeping flowers, bloom before us
Borne upon the winds of time

Ah, I just can't get the last verse right. It's a complete cop-out, I know. I'll rewrite it when I have time. Sorry again, Greg ;) Heh.

Yeah so, wrote those two on the bus home from ECP. A good run really clears the head. Cut 50 seconds off my best time. Yeah! Have to do much better though.

3 weeks to race day! Hoo, I'm getting nervous.

Well well, look at the time. I wanted to say more but I guess it'll have to wait. Bedtime, and I wanna discuss an enigmatic remark Jack just made. Huh? Am I missing something here?

Whatever. Night!

Doubt your doubts

In the scheme of things when you think about it
Far and away is the best view of it
You just can't hide your heart away from it
So swallow your foolish pride
Let the clouds get in your eyes
- Clouds

Oh, gloom. Even Elmo doesn't make me happy.

Been feeling a little down lately. It's kinda like my heart is a little numbed. Maybe it's work. I'm working so hard I have no time to feel anymore. Maybe I'm just tired. There's been a lot going on the past couple of weeks. Maybe too much to absorb?

I don't know. So much has been weighing on my mind. In Sunday service, I just had this feeling... that maybe I should do something. But what?

I hate it when things happen like this. You think you know your world, that some things will never change, right? Well, of course not, DUH. Change happens, and you can't stop it. The question is, am I the change?

Sometimes I think I'm such a pessimist now. So different from the way I used to be, all sugar and sunshine and sweetness and light. But then, I've still got an unquenchable little streak of positivity in me. B+, remember? I'll always be an idealist. Maybe the real change is, I grew up. I gained perspective, I hope, a little wisdom. I know, long ways to go. But still.

Do I really know better now?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I'm not sure where this is going, really. Just a pointless introspective ramble. I kinda miss that. I used to do it all the time. When did I stop?

It's so messed up. I know I'm right. But I wish I knew how to do this. Is it wrong to feel this way? Oh well.

*Sense of impending loss*

More Elmo then.

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (40%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (72%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant.

Hmmmm that's pretty accurate I suppose. Greg, now you know why I take EVERYTHING you say so literally and why I doubt anything that hasn't been proven. It's all my brain's fault!

Although that bit about understanding directions....? Right.