Even if you cannot hear my voice

Well, Lionel's exams are over. Talked to him this morning, asked him to take the next few days to think things over and call me on Saturday evening. I'm a little scared to talk to him again... I'm expecting the worst, I guess. But a part of me is still hoping. Well. I don't know if I should still be, honestly... it hurts to hope. It hurts to think I might never hold him again, never laugh with him, never have his scent on me. We might never take his sis out for ice cream together, never quietly gaze out from the top floor of a point block, arms around each other. I might never have his babies... never grow old with him. It hurts, all of it. So much.

Sigh.

I keep thinking I'm getting over him... I'm leaving it behind and he can't hurt me anymore. But then something will happen that reminds me of him, of us. A smell, a picture, a place, a song. Something that just evokes so many memories, and sends me spinning off into a hopeless void of aching. Like today. I was shopping at The Heeren, and a song started playing in the shop I was in. It was Snow Patrol's Run.

I'll sing it one last time for you
And then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

At first I couldn't help but smile and sing along - it's a great song, I love it so much - but it made me think of all the times I ever heard that song with Lionel. And the times he sang it for me. And the last time I heard it, when we were still together.

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Inside, my heart just cried 'Lionel' and by the end of the song, I was almost in tears.

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wonder how long it'll be till I can think of him or say his name without feeling like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. I suspect it'll be a long long time. I know... I'll heal... eventually. But it'll take time, lots of it. And patience, and prayer. And Hope.

Would it be right to wish it were easy to move on from this? 'Cos it's so frickin' hard. I guess the fact that it's affected me so deeply shows just how much I cared. And I wonder if it even affected him at all. What do you do when you love someone so much but he acts like he doesn't even give a damn?

Reminds me of another favourite song. Chris Martin got it right when he sang this:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you

I am trying. Because I need to know. Even if the truth is brutal, I need to know. How much am I worth to him? How much were we worth?

I think trying to fix him, or hoping to or even wanting to, might just be too naive on my part. First, because nobody is changed till they want to be, and second, because right now I need some fixing myself.

Feels like I'm standing at the edge of a huge chasm, and I'm just starting to build a bridge over to the other side. So afraid I'll fall. But I'll keep building, though it's hard work, and the other side seems so very far away. And who knows what lies on the other side? *shrug* I just want to get there.

Maybe by then, I'll have healed. Maybe I'll be ready to give my heart again someday. Right now, I don't think I have much heart left to give.

My May Days

So exhausted. Had lotsa fun wakeboarding (or trying to) today - still learning to stand, haha. It's really not that easy! But it looks so frickin' cool. Can't wait to try again. Maybe in May - my account book looks quite terrifying at the moment.

Had a good Bible Study, though I was a few minutes late. Aiyah. So paiseh. Shall be there extra extra early next time hehe. BS is getting more and more comfortable and enjoyable, maybe 'cos the faces are becoming familiar! It's getting much easier to share there, praise the Lord! I'm loving it.

Full day tomorrow - have lots of stuff to shop for after church. If I'm not too tired I'll try to put together a little surprise of my own tomorrow night... but I have a feeling I'll have to postpone it. Seriously shacked out now.

I was just glancing through my organiser, looks like I'm booked up for the next couple of weeks at least. Next week there's Mel's farewell, May Day plans, a play at the Drama Centre, the company Dinner and Dance, Seth's birthday celebration, lunch with Lin on Sat and dinner with Rey on Sun. Hmmmmmmm. Looks like a lot of stuff with colleagues and ex-colleagues! Haha. The following week there's the Tuesday prayer meeting, CG at my place, Bible Study on Sat, and Phantom of the Opera with the CG girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So that week I'll be spending lots of time among Christian friends ;) After that there's Farah's birthday, followed by Sam's birthday, so that means a meet-up with the HPC and possibly an outing with the CG. Entz Nite! Let's go karaoke. Or something. Lots of good movies coming out. It seems it's the month for trilogies - Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Shrek 3. Who wants to catch them with me? ;) Oh and Wild Hogs too! Heheheh. May looks like a great month.

Fun-tastic Friday

It's been a long and exhausting week so far, but I made it to the weekend! Phew! Now I can kick back and relax... I'm so looking forward to the next couple of days. Today was a great start.

Played soccer with the guys during lunch. Since it was Mel's last chance to play (as an MCIS staff at least), she decided to give it a shot, and Boon Hwee and I joined in too. Boon Hwee on one team and Mel and I on the other. End result: 2-0 with our team winning. Mel scored one of the 2 goals. Go girl!















The winners. Rah rah rah!!!

Maybe I'll join in again sometime. Was definitely more fun than a lunchtime run! And not really as tiring as I expected. Felt good at the end of the match... although maybe the bottle of 100-plus I was chugging had something to do with it, haha.

The workweek ended with a great Friday Faze - 'Who has the ...?' and Twister. Cameras flashed and some very compromising positions were forever immortalised today, but hey, as long as everyone had fun, right? And I'm sure we all did. Kudos to the organisers, FF rocks! So glad it's back. I want more...

CG at Dan's. Got there early so I ended up watching some Korean drama on TV, and arguing with Dan over which character was prettiest. Haha. I guess attractiveness comes in many forms. I think I have good taste though, in both guys and girls!

Had a lot of fun as usual at cell. Mark and Louisa joined us today - hope you enjoyed it too, guys! Later, we went for dessert at Holland V. The 'original' cell sans Jason, who looked really really really sleepy. If I get the pics from Sam, I'll post them, though I'm not optimistic about getting hold of those pics considering our track record when it comes to Sam passing me photos! Let's just say that the desserts were delectable... yum yum yum!!!!!

We ordered 4 desserts between the 6 of us: the muddy mudpie which was absolutely humongous and came with its very own 'cesspool' of chocolatey sin, the solid, minty-fresh Oreo cheesecake, the light-n-fruity and very very chio mango cake, and the king - the mouth-watering Vienna chocolate cake which oozed thick melted chocolate between layers of chocolate-frosted spongey chocolate cake. Mmmmmmmmmmmm... desserts to make you dream. Top it all off with a mochaccino and chocolate chip cookie, and it's no wonder I'm still awake at 3.15am. Which is a good thing, and what I was aiming for really, given that there's Bible Study tomorrow and I'm not done preparing for it as I've been busy all week, and I'm wakeboarding in the afternoon before BS wheeeeeeeeeee!!! So I gotta stay up for awhile. But I'll gratefully hit the sack as soon as I can, 'cos I'm sooooooooooo tired. Prob do half now and the rest in the morning... Can't tahan liao. Like I said, long week so far. I badly need a break. And I'm going to get it.

Weekend, whooooooooooooooo!!!!!

This is who I am. Right.

http://www.myheritage.com

So I guess for the D & D I'll be dressed up as a Japanese or Korean actress or pop star...

M is for Me

What Melanie Means

M is for Mushy E is for Enlightened L is for Lucky A is for Amazing N is for Neat I is for Important E is for Emotional

What Does Your Name Mean?

Haha all of it's quite true! Especially the mushy part =P I just haven't had a chance to show it much lately.

Shall we dance?

Listening to my iTunes. I have itchy feet - I sooooo wanna dance. Can't wait for Monday ;) Badadadum!!!!!

Love in new wave

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I'm happy today. Woke up and remembered something that happened yesterday. After dinner at NYDC, this young, trendy-looking waitress asked me while handing me the bill if my hair were natural. I told her it had been coloured but the colour was fading fast, and she shook her head and said no, she meant were my curls natural. I proudly told her yes. Haha. Too bad, girl, I can't recommend a hairstylist if you want my waves - like Peiyu said, my mummy did them for me! That was a nice encounter, given that the waitress had really nice (but ultra-straight) hair herself. I do love my hair. It's so easy to manage. I don't even have to comb it at night now - it's messily gorgeous! Love love love. Haha. I'm happy =P

Wake me up

Switchfoot's new video 'Awakening'. Yowza!

Starting over

Okay, let's start again. I'm calmer now.

Just had a looooooooooooong catch-up session with Peiyu, my 'mummy' from ACJC. Was so good to see her again. The last time we saw each other was almost exactly a year ago, at her graduation. How time flies! But with good girlfriends, time is never an issue. We had a great time sharing and praying together. Glad for Christian girlfriends like her. This is the time I need them most.

'Mummy' is one girl who knows where she's going. Her walk with God is something I aspire to. When I meet people like her, for one brief moment I catch a shimmering glimpse of how wonderful it is to walk in the light. I know I'm still struggling, but I really want to get there some day.

I told her how hard it was for me - life's like a fine balancing act where you have to be so careful not to fall. She reminded me that it's not about not falling, it's about how well you fall. So true! Everyone falls sometime, after all. You just have to pick yourself up and get back on the wire. One foot at a time, that's all. At the bottom there's always a safety net - Someone will catch me when I fall. Not if, when. I know I will fall. Not that that's an excuse. Knowing you will fail at times shouldn't stop you from trying not to.

I guess the break-up isn't just a wake-up call to Lionel, it's one for me as well. I have to stop focusing on Lionel, or any other guy, for that matter, and focus on God. Like Yu says, seek the Giver, not the gift. The gift will come later... but how can you receive it if you do not first know the Giver?

So yeah, let's start again. No more hysterics - I'll try, at least. Grieving period's over - though there might be a new one eventually, but I won't think about that now. I've just picked up Every Woman's Battle again, which was a birthday gift from Sam last year. This time, I'm really going to try to live by it. I don't think it'll be easy at all - I foresee lots of changes that I'm probably going to try to fight at first - but then, no one ever said it would be. Ah well. I guess it's time.

In the spirit of 'let's start again', here's the personality analysis - the Johari window - once more. I wonder if I've changed since the previous one. Do me a favour, people, and check it out when you have a minute. How do you see me? I'd love to know. If you don't see yourself as others see you, you won't ever know who you really are. So, tell me more about myself ;)

Hello kitty

I feel like I'm unravelling. Peel off the layers, and what's left at the core? Will I like what I see? Will it be anything like how I imagine myself to be? I wonder. I'd like to believe that the way I see myself is pretty much the way I truly am, and the way other people see me. But I might be surprised. I probably will be, given my naivete (or obliviousness to everything else going on around me). Maybe I should take that image test thingy again, the one that shows you how you see yourself and how you are seen by others. I'm bored anyway, and I guess it'll help pass the time.

Not that I'm not crazy busy these days. But life's gotten so busy that I find myself in serious need of a holiday. Again. A long one. Like, for a year. Could be that my reaction to the break-up is mixed in there somewhere. Just need to get away and THINK. If life was simple and safe before, it's complicated and fraught with uncertainty now. I'm not sure I like it, or dislike it really. I generally hate uncertainty, but I'm still trying to psyche myself into seeing this as a great adventure. Being single is a pretty new experience. The last time I was single for an extended period of time - and then only by choice after a very traumatising relationship - was like, 7 years ago. I've been attached pretty much all of my dating life. This is so weird. Not having someone to care about that way, or at least not having the right to, if you get what I mean. My nurturing streak does NOT appreciate singlehood.

Sigh. I've been jumpy all day. Like a cat on steroids. Up and down, up and down. One minute I'm curled up into a warm, furry ball, contentedly purring away, next minute I'm hissing and spitting, claws out and teeth showing, ready to scratch your eyes out, and the next minute I'm a friendly little kitty again, arching my back and meowing for a stroke and a cuddle. I'm channelling cat. Might be 'cos I read Life of Pi yesterday - down to the last few pages, and it's an awesome story. I love Richard Parker. Except it gives me strange dreams. You wouldn't even believe the strange dreams I have.

Anyway... yeah I guess I'm gonna have to deal with things slowly. Another pet peeve. I hate doing things slowly. I prefer to do things now now now, make a decision and stick with it, just go with your gut and don't look back. I'm usually right, on the important things at least, or they work themselves out somehow. But well, maybe I should try something different this time. Courage, Mel. You can only try, or die trying.

I know it'll take time. And I know things will get better. Even if I can't see it now. So everyone's been telling me, and I'd love to believe them, except I still selfishly think that no one else understands what I'm going through. Selfish, because of course they do. The characters are different and maybe the dialogue, but the plot points are essentially the same. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy dumps girl. Or something to that effect. In the end, it hurts anyone just as much. Breaking up is never easy - or if it is, then it's a mercy killing anyway. This one... most certainly isn't. It hurts like hell, and will probably stay that way for a bit. So I'd better get used to the steroided-cat jumpiness, and work things out, with or without him.

What are the odds that before I'm done, I'm gonna do something really stupid? 'Cos I'm contemplating something now that might actually be outrageously dumb. Or maybe not. So many things to take into account. Am I ready to leave it all behind and start again?

We'll see.

And so the adventure begins

Your relationship destiny is to Have a Romantic Rendezvous

Wild thing, you make our hearts sing. Daring and headstrong, you know that the world is full of all kinds of adventures and possibilities, and you want to try as many of them as possible. Whether you've already met the action hero who's bold enough to join you on your travels, or are still looking for a soul brave enough, you're sure to enjoy the search.

A risk taker by nature, you're not afraid to put yourself on the line, whether you're scaling mountains or falling in love on the first date. Sure, that means you'll get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but for a courageous spirit like you, that's part of the fun. How romantic!

What's Your Relationship Destiny?

Brought to you by Tickle

Huh. So I'm meant to enjoy the search? I don't know. Maybe. They got the adventurous part right though. So... maybe.

Rescue me

You need a superhero when it comes to Living on the Edge

Not just any man will do for a wild thing like you. Independent, daring, and willing to take risks, you need a guy who won't cower at the idea of living on the edge from time to time. After all, a little action's exactly what it takes to get your pulse to pound ... and a little adrenaline never hurt either.

Always willing to test the limits and go for what you want, it's no doubt that you tend to get exactly what or who you're after each time. People admire your strength and initiative, so it's no doubt you need a guy who has the same. And that's exactly why you should date a superhero like Spider-Man. Way to keep it hot!

Should You Date a Superhero?

Brought to you by Tickle

One last time

Tender
Like a breeze caressing your cheek
She dances on a string
Silver thread of starlight
Diamond bright
Like dew on petals when the sun shines softly
Down, tiptoeing through the grass
Like coloured glass
Reflecting into those still eyes
Each drop of knowledge a memory
Forbidden, secret and splendid
Where no one can reach
To touch or taint
With harsh words, or snatch
From where they dwell
Safe and secure
In the arms of love
Eternal

Really tired today. Was up till 5am last night chatting with one of Lionel's friends. Weird. Some of his friends have gotten in touch recently to check if I'm okay. Sweet of them, but it's a little strange discussing Lionel. So far the general consensus is that he's a complete a****** for breaking up with me, and that I could do so much better than him, I should just forget about him and wait for Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet... Sigh. I dunno. They could be right, but then again, maybe Lionel IS my Prince Charming, albeit a very flawed one. Then liddat how?

Well I know he's not perfect. I don't love him because he's perfect, I love him despite his imperfections and I love him deeply, passionately, wildly, intensely, completely. But it seems like love isn't enough. SIGH. I'm this close to giving up, but something inside me is telling me to hang on, give it one last chance. So I did. I am. One last shot, but if this doesn't work out, I'm gone. I've had enough. Time to move on, no looking back. I just hate the absolute, cold finality of that goodbye, if it happens. It's like losing part of my soul. How else would you describe losing your soulmate?

One last time. I'm trying hard to believe, to have faith. Generally I'm okay, but now and then doubt starts to creep in and I feel like my faith is so weak, and I'm the last thing I want to be - proud, relying on what I know, what I desire, what I think the world should be like. Humility is a precious lesson. I have the best example before me: my father. I want to be as humble as he is, but sometimes the simplest thing is the most difficult to attain. Life is so strange.

Well, it doesn't take much faith to pray. A mustard seed's worth is all that's needed. And so I go on my knees and bare my heart. Broken bones and all, here I am.

It feels good to pray.

Love is all around me

I'm still waiting for photos, so here's a little filler instead.

As my Facebook status update currently says, I is loving my colleagues! Haha. Yeah I really am. It's like, every day I learn a little more about someone I work with that makes that person less simply a colleague and more a friend. And then coming to work is even more fun - I love what I do, and I lurrrrve the people who do it with me! Wheeeeeeeee!!!! ;)))))))))))))

I was kinda bummed out after the meeting with Big Moe on Friday. Dreading Monday a little 'cos it seemed like the next few months are gonna be absolute killer at work. I was supposed to be at a seminar Monday till Wednesday, but after the meeting when I commented that I'd have to start dying with my teammates only on Thursday (they started dying immediately), my boss said, It's ok, next week you can work Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I wasn't sure if she was kidding either! Everyone laughed, of course, but by then we were all slightly twitchy so that might have been nervous laughter. I think everyone else is mentally prepared to work weekends already. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need my weekends!

So anyway, immediate reaction to possible late nights: plan outings with friends. Haha. Well, today's outing to watch The Namesake had already been planned before the meeting, and I wasn't about to give up my movie, so Karen, Mel and I agreed to meet after work to catch it. Except that this morning I checked the papers and realised it was showing at 10.45am at Plaza Sing - and no other time or place! Sighness. So quick change of plans: We decided to stick with the Indian theme and visit Little India for dinner. Wheeeee!

Mel and I got threaded (my eyebrows are so neat now!), had a yummy Indian-style dinner while discussing the guys in the office (ha!) and then proceeded to Pool Fusion II for a quick spot of pool. It turned out to be not so quick though. We were expecting only BH, but first Mark, then Karen and Nick called and said they'd drop by. In the end there were 7 of us, including Dave. Pool is fun! Even though my sense of direction on the pool table is only marginally better than on the roads. Haha. We should do this more often. I need the practice, plus did I mention that I lurrrrve my colleagues? Hee. I'm sad to see so many people leaving, but it's good to know I'll see them at our outings - running, badminton, days by the beach, diving, dinners, and soon, wakeboarding and a house party too.

I is so loving everyone. Hee ;)

Under the sea

Home! Thanks for the prayers, y'all. I had a great time ;) Watch this spot, I'll blog more soon. Pictures up when I get them. Love!
















On the balcony outside my room. Love the view ;)

Friends

Oooh yeah, Mom gave me three tickets to The Namesake. Can only be used Mon-Wed though. Anyone interested? ;)

Just wanted to note that I'm still boggled sometimes by how lucky I am in the friends department. Everyone's rushing to my aid, it seems, despite my constant reassurances that 'I'm just fine'. Maybe they know me well enough by now to tell when I'm not really ok but just trying not to let it show. Rey just MSN-ed to say we'll meet after his exams so we can talk. From mortal to angel. Heh. Got to meet Nick for dinner on Monday and Sheng yesterday. Guess I'm getting to talk quite a lot this week! That's all good, I guess. The more I talk, the calmer I feel. In the end, maybe I'll just talk myself out.

Yes I know this post looks like a mood swing. That it is. Perverse mood. Still.

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

- I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot

Well, so I got through today. It didn't end so badly. Went down to Queenstown Stadium to run with Karen in the end. Got to visit her house too. It was a good run, although I definitely didn't cover as much as I would have at ECP. We didn't keep count of the number of rounds we did around the track, 'cos we were talking half the time. Probably about 7 or 8 rounds, so counting the run from her place to the stadium and back, we did maybe 3.5 km max.

But the talking was definitely a good thing. We shared our respective problems and stories about work, people and relationships. And when we weren't talking, we were deep in our own thoughts but as Karen says, in companiable silence - when we both know exactly what the other person's thinking about but respect each other enough to not intrude. I like that. I love running with and talking to Karen. It's like exercise and therapy all rolled into one happy, de-stressing activity. Definitely felt better afterwards. Yep, we should definitely do this more often, girl! Once a week at Quessnstown, and once at ECP. Unless we plan other activities throughout the whole week - and that would be a good thing! I need more exercise, and definitely activities to keep my mind off stuff.

Speaking of stuff, we had a striptease today! Spread the lurrrrrrrve, y'all! Yeah, I guess the office IS getting slightly more funkified these days. Haha. More to come? We can only hope. I suppose something will be up on Youtube eventually, and then I'll post it. All things considered, I think it went pretty well, with our very own Hot Stripper Boy leaving the ladies swooning and drooling... ok well, maybe not so dramatic, but I think they liked it. Hee. Now if only all guys had bods like that... *gets dreamy with a faraway look in her eyes*

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Running with Karen helped crystallise my thoughts. I know what I have to do, and I don't exactly like it, but I guess it's the smart thing to do. Of course, human nature is such that the more you know the things you must do, the more you want to rebel. But *sigh* what to do? It's do or die... or at least suffer the consequences, and they're probably just as bad as death, or worse.

So ok, I'll give it a go. I have been trying, but I seem to keep slipping. I need a check on my emotions. I thought things were working out, but I can't help feeling that somewhere along the line, I blew it. Maybe I did. Problem is, I'm enjoying myself so much I don't want to turn back. But I'll... try. For everyone's sake. *SIGH* I REALLY don't like this. *blows a million raspberries to relieve her feelings* Nyah.

Forgive the perverse mood, I'm... in a perverse mood. And if you don't get it, it's ok, you don't have to. Very few people on this earth, I think, will ever truly understand me. Probably only one or two actually do, right now. Which is why I wonder if I'll ever find anyone else. But hey, whatever. It's time to let go.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

- Fix You by Coldplay

What's your focus?

So much running through my head. Can't quite focus. Trying to put Lionel out of my mind. It's hard to act normally and pretend everything's ok, but I think if I let my guard down today I'll really break down right here in my cubicle. I'm feeling so vulnerable emotionally, yet incredibly self-destructive at the same time. I wonder why anger and hurt affect me this way. I never really want to lash out at anyone else, I just feel like hurting myself. Not just physically. I feel like I might do something really stupid, just because. Sigh. It's not a good place to be.

But I am trying to be mature about this. Self-destructing was the old Mel's way of handling things. Not this time. Though I'm still struggling. But I'm trying.

So I try to concentrate on work, on what's happening in the office today. I'm starting to get numb to this. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I don't have time for that right now. Can't wait for the run tonight. Just wanna run run run away and leave it all behind. Limbs pumping, blood pounding in my ears, mind focused on a point somewhere far ahead and every fibre straining to get me there. Yeah. I want a good run. Something so exhausting, I'll get home and fall asleep, and not stay up thinking of him again.

Getting over you

So we talked last night. After waiting in vain all through Monday and Tuesday, I finally decided, after much soul-searching, tears, and prompting from Sheng over dinner at Holland V, to call him. Sheng was right, I felt better afterwards - but just a little. I'm still pretty conflicted. Guess there's a lot more thinking to do. But it was a relief to finally know just how he felt, and tell him how I felt. Now there's some sort of closure.

If I can call it that.

Well, anyway, guess it's time to start picking up the pieces. Time to move on. Time to start dating again, to start thinking about some other man, some other life. Sigh. I'm changing my desktop picture. Soon.

Rose Red

New blog colour! I liked the layout too much to change it, but I did tweak the template a little bit. Anyway, was kinda tired of (being) blue. Let's look at life through rose-coloured glasses for a change ;)

Ok this is really suaku, but I'm so proud of myself for figuring out how to make the changes to the template, even if they were really small changes. Took me a long time, but I did it! And I like the new look. After all, baby blue was my fave colour up to my uni days, but in the last few years I've developed a fondness for pink and a strong passion for red. So voila! Here's my new blog in rose. (Not quite rose red as the title says, but I just bought my third issue of Fables, and I lurve Snow White and Rose Red.)

Maybe it'll help to psyche me up. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Life is so complicated right now.

Bleah

Tired. Bored. Cranky.

Woke up with my head spinning. Had I been thinking so much in my sleep? I mean, like, actually analysing things. No wonder I had a headache. Grumpy. I don't think I have enough patience yet. Working on it.

So little time, so much to do. My cough's full-blown now, despite Mark's cough drops yesterday - which might have been negated by the many macadamia milk chocolates I ate when I got home. Comfort food. Bleah. I need to run now, except I'm too sick and too busy. Doesn't help that Russ is back from camp, and just weighed himself and went, "Yesssss! I lost 4 kg this week!!!!!" Urgh.

I need to work out. I need a holiday. Can't wait to go diving (next weekend. Whoooo!) but that means I'll be in bikinis half the time, which means I need to work out. Nothing more unsightly than a spare tyre bulging out of your wetsuit. Grossness. So that means I'll probably be at ECP on Thursday night, arms and legs flailing in a last desperate attempt to be visually acceptable (to myself at least) come Sat morning. Also, I need to buy new bikinis. Anyone wanna join me? ;) Haha. I guess I could use the ego trip. Haven't needed one in a long time. It would probably backfire now anyway.

Sigh ok, I'm not usually so critical, I'm just out of sorts today. And let's not forget sick. I hadn't been sick in such a long time, I'd almost forgotten what it's like. I don't like it at all. Aiyar... just feel like grumping now. Well better now than at BS, I guess.

Gotta clean my bedroom, Lisa's bedroom and the living room 'cos we're having CG here tomorrow. Two of my colleagues are coming. *excited* Guess I'd better get off my lazy butt now - I don't have much time left before I have to leave for Bible Study, and I won't be home till late tonight. Crashing Alex's birthday party and then off for the Obs gig. Yay! I hope their new album's good. Haven't heard from them in like, forever. They've replaced their drummer, apparently. Well, the new one had better be awesome.

I'll check back in later. Hopefully, I'll be calmer.

Choice

I'm still confused. But for different reasons. I don't know if I should still try. *Sigh* Tough decision... what do I do?

I don't know if choice is always a good thing.

Letting Go

All that's left inside me is a lingering doubt
That I could try to carry on, wondering what life would be without
You in the corner of my mind and I still try to figure out
Why I miss your smile so much and just what it is about
You that I

Can't seem to let you go
All the songs I used to know
Are playing and I'm still below
Where I want to... let it go

Now every time I think about you I'm just down again
And I could search my soul to follow the rhythm running through my veins
The thread that is my heartbeat it still overflows with pain
Oh I am drowning in the wreckage of what innocence remains
And I just

*
Can't seem to let you go
All the things I used to know
Have gone away and I can't show
What I want to... let it go

(* simultaneously with next stanza)
I can't leave reality till I'm curled up in bed
And images like molten silver trickle slowly out my head
Time will mend the hurt and heal the scars left by the things you said
Or I'll be hanging holding on to a broken heart misled
'Cos I still

Can't seem to let you go
You are all I used to know
I'm swaying to and fro
On how I want to... let you go
Let you go
Oh let you go

I'm so confused. *Sigh*

Someone give me a cup of hot chocolate!

I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick. I have a very bad case of the sniffles - I'm shivering, my eyes are watering and there's a constant tickle in my nose. All I want to do is curl up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate, burrow under a soft blanket, and have someone cuddle me. Sigh. I miss being cuddled so much.

Maybe I should join one of them cuddle parties.

On second thought... nah. Cuddles are way too intimate for me.

I suppose the good thing about this cold is that I'm partially protected from the horrible stench wafting up from my ozalids. (If you're not an editor then you won't understand. If you're not an editor, then good for you.) Ozalids are easy but tedious and hideously smelly. It's soaked in ammonia or something. Blech.

Now I'm starting to cough too. *cough cough sniff* I feel quite pitiful, really. Maybe I should just take the rest of the day off.

Instead I'm reaching for another bundle of ozalids. Sigh.

All you have to do is SMILE

Came home to a big surprise today - a couple of church friends left me a big Famous Amos cookie complete with smiley face and handmade card attached. Here it is!




















Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... how sweet! Well, I took the advice/reminder/request on the card to heart - not only did I SMILE, I laughed out loud! I took a photo with my pretty cookie too, to show my friends how happy it made me.




















Heh. I had a pretty good day.

Okay okay, my turn to advise/remind/request: You gotta smile every day, even when you don't feel like it. Smiling makes you happy. It makes other people happy. When other people are happy, they smile at you. Then you feel happy too and you smile at other people and they smile at other people... you get the picture. So if you haven't given someone a BIG SMILE today, do it now! Better yet, give someone a great big hug. You can start with me ;)

Faith

This was the first song to play on my iTunes today. I know you don't believe in Christian bands, but I really love this song. It's probably a better song to be going through my head than 'Here is Gone' anyway.

More Faithful
by Skillet
from the album Hey You, I Love Your Soul

All the things my feet thought to be firm
Are falling with urgency
Tearing back my false sense of security

Some say things change, nothing stays the same
But the sweetness in my ears
Safe in your arms speak the words I love to hear

You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons

All things I thought that I used to know
Are falling down again
Our disillusionment is how we grow

Some say things change, nothing stays the same
In a world of inconsistency
When everything's a lie,
What can cause my heart to believe

You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons

You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come
You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons
You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons

Be strong, girl!

Made it through today without breaking down. Not obviously, at least.

I alternated between anger, sadness, resignation and hope. I'm a little bit angry at myself, though I don't see how I could possibly have done anything differently, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry at Lionel too. I know his reasons and I do agree this is the best thing for us now, but I'm still angry. Sigh. I need to forgive.

And if I don't do it soon I'll be seriously sick - my body's reacting quite badly to the stress. My stomach hurt the whole day, my throat is killing me, I keep sniffing, my vision's blurry, I get dizzy. I suppose I should be glad I have tons of work to keep me occupied. Although when the work involves taking over from my two ex-colleagues who both left last Thursday (leaving me alone in Biology and English), the lonely feeling doesn't exactly disappear.

My colleague remarked that I ought to change my desktop picture (it's one of Lionel and I hugging amid the wintry-looking backdrop of Canada) and take away the photos on my desk. I said, yeah, I know, I will soon... it makes me so sad, looking at how happy we were.

But somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

Anyway, beach photos from Sentosa! I guess we pulled it off all right. We played monkey in the water, frisbee, charades, just hung out. Ben brought his son Nat. Ahhhhhh Nat is so so cute. Don't you just want to cuddle him? Haha. Little kids always make me feel tender inside.Can't wait to have my own. I'm still hoping ;)

I had so much fun, can't wait for our next outing. Looks like everyone had a good time at the beach too. Hopefully we'll be going night cycling real soon! Planning something for after our diving trip - yup, I'll be diving with Mel, Karen, Boon Hwee and her friend Dave, and Greg next weekend. Yay!

I love the people at MCIS. So glad to see that so many turned up. It's great when your colleagues become more than just colleagues. So my Friday (despite the disastrous start to the day) was pretty good. How did YOU spend Good Friday?















Our very own Mark-orat and his harem under the coconut tree





























Playing footsie in the water. Karen didn't want to get wet!















Charades - girls vs guys. Pretty much a face-off between Mel and Islani!


































With Ben's little son Nat. He's sooooooo adorable!















Break-time! Nick doesn't look too happy















Trying out some yoga poses. Water babies!



















This one was taken by Boon Hwee. I really like it ;) It captures how I feel about the beach, or rather, how the beach makes me feel. Delicate.

Here is gone

Every little thing reminds me of you. I'm listening to music on my Mac and wouldn't you know it, Goo Goo Dolls and Damien Rice songs come up. The Damien Rice is a duet too. I'm not feeling too good right now... I feel like kicking things. Oh, and your mom just called. Sigh.

Here Is Gone

by The Goo Goo Dolls

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Well I guess everyone's wondering what's going on and I've spent most of today sms-ing already, but at 2-10 messages per person it's probably easier if I just laid it out here and you can ask me questions later, if I haven't already clued you in.

To cut a long story short, here it is: Lionel and I have broken up. I don't want to say too much here about why. If I tell you, I tell you, okay? I guess everyone who's really close to me knows by now anyway. Let's just say it's not so much about us, it's just something Lionel needs to work out on his own right now and as much as I want to help him, I really don't know how to. So the wisest thing to do right now, as much as it absolutely kills me, is to let him go.

Yes, I still love him. And yes, he still loves me. That, at least, is some small comfort. Honestly though, I don't know how long it will last. Oh I admit, part of me is desperately hoping that somehow, by some miracle, we'll still end up together. But let's be realistic. Love without commitment doesn't usually stand the test of time, let alone distance. But hey, fortunately, I do believe in miracles. So I'm still hoping for one.

Yes, yes, everybody's saying I should do the smart thing and just get on with my life. I know. I know. I'm not counting on anyone right now except God. I'm not waiting for him, as much as I'm tempted to. Both of us will go on with whatever we were doing before, and whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to force anything, but I'm not closing the door on anything either.

I'll keep his pictures. As long as I love him I'll keep them. I won't wear my ring though. I've taken it off and laid it by my pillow. If one day we do get back together he can put it back on for me. Till then, my finger will remain unadorned (unless someone else adorns it first). Feels weird not to be wearing it... except for baths and snowboarding (ouch), I never took my ring off. I wonder how long it'll take to get used to it. I have a tanline where the ring used to be. My finger feels naked without that circle of silver. Now I want to cry every time I look at my hand.

Who knows? I'm sure this is all part of God's plan for us, whether we wind up together or not. I'm trying to be as mature about this as possible, so I'm just trusting Him. Maybe it's time we stopped relying on our own strength and leaning on our own understanding, and just let God take over. There has to be a reason for this.

I have to say something positive has come out of this already. Thanks everyone who's sms-ed or MSN-ed or called or written a card or given me a bookmark to offer words of comfort and encouragement. Thanks for the offers to go shopping, watch movies, do lunch or dinner or let me tag along on whatever you happen to have planned. Thanks for staying with me, for trying to make me smile, for listening, for praying. Thanks for the hugs and friendly pats on the back. Thanks for the loads of tissues.

As overwhelmed as I was by grief (I'm much better now), all your support and love and assurances that things will be ok are pretty overwhelming too. It's good to know so many people care. I love you guys (and gals). Thank you, all of you (though it's highly unlikely many of you ever read this) - Pris, Jasmina, Chew Ling, Jeff, Sue, Jin, Nick, Sam, Weiwen, Jack, Far, Saf, Min (that's all my HPC girls!), Nicholas, Gerald, Mel, Karen, Alvin, Greg, Adora, my parents. Phew. I'm touched.

Here's one message from a very special friend of mine (you know who you are): Trust in Him, that He has beautiful plans for you, just that He has not revealed them yet, and that everything you go through is bringing you closer to His plans, even though it hurts at times.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I was heartbroken, shattered, devastated. I think I'm holding it together but now and then I still want to keel over and sob my heart out. How close am I to His plans now? Well I know, I know there's someone out there for me. Whether it's Lionel or someone else, I know he's there, and I know he'll be awesome. If God can take Lionel away from me, well he will surely give me something better. In the spirit of faith I've made a list of things my future husband absolutely must have. Let's call it my prayer list. Hey, He did say, Ask and it shall be given unto you.

The 12 Things My Husband Must Have

1. A very close relationship with God (the most important one)
2. Sense of humour
3. Commitment
4. Gentlemanly behaviour (I'm old-fashioned that way)
5. Sense of family (that means he has a good relationship with his own family, gets on well with mine, and wants one of his own, with lots of kids. This one is very very very important.)
6. Physical attraction (I don't think this is shallow. How a guy looks and carries himself says a lot about his character. Good grooming speaks volumes about discipline and loving your body. If a guy can't take care of his own body how can I trust him with mine?)
7. Romantic spirit
8. Sense of adventure (Wimps need not apply)
9. A happy, friendly disposition
10. Intelligence
11. Maturity
12. Chemistry with me (like, duh. That elusive special spark... I miss it already.)

Notice it says 'husband', not 'boyfriend'. If I'm doing this, I'm doing it all the way. I'm not going to play games anymore - I'm so afraid of that happening. Filling my emotional void with senseless relationships that last a moment, just to make myself feel better. It never works. I'd rather hang out with my girlfriends (sorry boys, I'm doing this for your sakes too. I'm just too vulnerable right now).

Anyway, those items on my list, they're the things I like about and value most in myself (with the exception of gentlemanly behaviour - replace that with femininity - and chemistry - I value that in a relationship). I wouldn't ask for something I couldn't achieve myself. I don't think it's fair to hold someone else to a standard you couldn't reach. There are other things I like in myself of course (you probably know by now, my weakest point is my pride) but I think most of them already come with the Christian spirit.

Well, that's what I'm gonna be on the lookout for now. I need these guidelines - I don't want to sell myself short by falling for the first half-decent guy to come along. I know myself too well. I may think I'm older and wiser now but fact is, when your self-esteem is shattered you take what you can get, and by the time you realise what a mistake you're making it's too late. So no excuses this time. I'm doing this right.

In a way I feel like I've got one last chance to make it perfect. He's hit rewind and we're going though the movie of my life frame by frame now. So when I'm back to this point and I've gone through it all in my head again, I'll take a deep breath and go slow and be as careful as I possibly can. Avoid all the traps and mistakes from previous relationships. Watch out for all the red flags. Take my time, enjoy myself. I have to say, whoever I end up with next, is gonna have it good. As girlfriends go, I think I've been pretty good all along (I'm being modest, honest). So the question is, now how can I top myself?

I'm feeling better already.

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I'm miserable. I'm spent from crying and hurting. I'm afraid of what tomorrow holds. I'm afraid of facing Monday morning only half of what I was before. I miss you. I love you. I don't know if I should be angry or disappointed or disgusted with you. I'm so tired now.

Help me.

Love

What is love?

A feeling of closeness, a special connection shared by two (or more) people, that tiny but undeniable, unquenchable spark between a boy and a girl? Is it everlasting? Or just a passing phase?

Human love, well, that's fickle. The lucky few make it to happily ever after, some have their fairytales smashed to bits along the way, and some just never get there at all. You could be head-over-heels in love one minute, and out on the street with your head spinning the next. Not very reliable, then, human love.

Oh, don't get me wrong. Despite everything that's transpired so far in my incredibly dramatic romantic life, I'm still a believer in true love. Love that lasts. That goes beyond saying "I love you" to simply showing it in ways words could never tell. Love that never breaks, never blames, never demands anything, always forgives... love that is, well, real.

Human love? Maybe. I'm not giving up on that. Yet. At least, I do believe a man and a woman can fall in love and make it last, even if it doesn't happen for me. Hey, it works for my parents. I believe in their love. And I believe in my father's love for me. That love, so far, has proven deep and true, and I don't think that will change.

I also believe in my Father's love for me. Unconditional, incomprehensible, depthless love. The ultimate love. Love so deep that He suffered and died on the cross for me. Love that covers all my sins, love that can never die.

It's good to know there's Someone I can count on when human love proves so frail. Maybe this is His way of pushing - or pulling - me into a closer relationship with Him. Who knows? Whatever it is, I'm taking it. In the end, only one Lover can ever satisfy all my needs. And He has promised that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. I'm clinging to that promise.

It's Good Friday (or a little after, anyway), the day He gave His life for me. Let's take a minute to think about that. He gave His LIFE for ME????? How utterly, insanely, mindbogglingly incomprehensible.

It could only be... Love. Love with a capital L. Love such that you would lay down your life for someone else.

That's Love.

On the third day, He rose again. That's Easter Sunday. Well, on Sunday night, I'll know for sure whether I should start patching up the broken pieces of my heart... or pick them up and chuck them out the window. Part of me is scared that whatever you have to say, the damage will have been done. Words, once spoken, are so hard to retrieve.

Oh my darling, my darling, my darling... How could you? Rip my heart out like that. I've already given everything I could. I started the day with an overwhelming sense of loss. I'm still pretty lost. I don't understand - What went wrong? It pains me so deeply to think you could ever consider throwing all of this away. And the things that you said...

I won't dwell on them now. Sunday will come soon enough. But by His grace and strength, come what may, I'll rise again. Because this time I'm counting on Someone I know for sure I can count on.

In the end, that's all that matters, right?

Hope you had a better Good Friday than I. Blessed Easter.